One of the painful things about being a widow or widower is the hunger for love. Following decades of loving and being loved, all of a sudden we are alone. No one likes being alone, lonely, no one to talk to, empty house, waking up in the middle of the night alone, no one snoring or coughing or rolling over in bed, no one watching the sunset with you, no one to share the smell of new cut grass, no one to scratch your back, no one to share life with and on and on. We are a couple-oriented society so rarely are we invited to dinner parties. We would be the odd one at the dinner table and who wants an odd number. Yes, not only are our social lives turned upside down but our emotional lives, already burdened with grief, suffer loneliness. Fortunately, there are many opportunities to join a 'Grief sharing group' and that is a huge help.
But if our social needs are met, does that mean our 'love' needs are met? The love that we experienced with our spouse was deep, committed, heart to heart, forgiving, fun, intimate, sharing and hugging. So, where do I find that love now? Some people search for that self-seeking love and end up compromising their lives with inappropriate relationships. They are so hungry for love that they cling to someone who is not faithful nor loyal. And then their suffering deepens.
Yes, I am hungry for love because I miss Dick so much. We enjoyed marriage because we shared so much together. We had our own professional lives but we always talked about those happenings. He was always there for me especially during my challenge with brain cancer. He always encouraged me whether I was singing concerts or writing magazine articles. Yes, he was there and that is why today I am hungry for love because no one is there. And yet, in my hunger for love, I don't, in any way, want to diminish my everlasting love for Dick. Now, as I am hungry for love, what do I do if I establish another truthful, loving, and faithful relationship? Loving is part of our lives and God has given all of us a gift to uphold and respect and honor.
Another part of loving is 'giving love' and that is what we must activate now because we can do that ourselves. Also 'giving love' is not selfish or ego building but is totally aimed at showing compassion to others. When you give of yourself to another person you are forgetting yourself and focusing on another individual. And that takes the self-centeredness out of the relationship. We are living today in a very self-centered society. We have enough money to buy things we don't need, we have enough money to choose our life-style, we have enough money to own 2 or 3 cars, we have enough money to feel overly satisfied, but isn't it interesting, we always want more. If we choose to be a 'giving' person in all we do, we will feel satisfied. And that includes 'loving' and 'giving love'.
How do we 'give love'? It is a choice that I made after Dick died. I live in an assisted living facility because I have right-sided weakness (not paralysis). My mind still works. My sensitivity tells me when people are hurting, feeling lonely, dejected and sad. But what a difference is made when I greet them with a warm, cheerful smile and talk with them showing genuine interest and joy. Here's another avenue of 'giving love'. Many times when a group of seniors congregate they begin to complain about many 'stupid' things.......the weather, the food, relationships, the 'other people'......whatever crosses their minds. By intervening in the conversation, you can be a valuable, positive change.
Love is a small word but love is huge in emotional meaning. Love is precious, valuable, powerful and fulfilling. Do not abuse love but cherish the opportunity to give. Then, by 'giving love', we who are grieving and feeling lonely, all of a sudden feel lifted out of our pain. By giving of ourselves to others we are leaving the lonely pain behind. Yes, I am 'starving' to give love and I know the more I dedicate to that choice, the free-er and happier I will be.
