Heavy Grief........

On May 6, 2020, at 10:30 p.m. I held my husband's face in my hands for the last time. After 61 years of precious marriage, he died at one moment and drew his last breath.  It is a shocking moment when death enters the life of your loved one, especially when it's totally unexpected.  You hear the sounds of raspy breathing and you wonder,  "Is this it? Is this the end of a life I've come to know and love with acceptance?"  And then the breathing suddenly stops....no more gasps, no more intakes, just finality of silence.  You desperately place your hand on his mouth and wait for intakes........but there is nothing......just finality of silence.  I hesitated to call the professional staff, instead to choose these sweet moments of silence of remembering how we lived our lives with such gratitude and intimacy.  How he would purse his lips and blow me a kiss, always reminding me of how much he loved me as we sat there in our black leather lounge chairs, glancing over at each other never forgetting the importance of a meaningful blown kiss.  And now silence, as I ran my hand over his cheek and gently repeated "I love you, Dick......always and forever, I love you."  The cheek remained warm to my touch as his body circulation still took a long time to shut down.  That gave me joy as I knew his physical body ever slowly ceased to pulsate.  He was still with me, physically, reminding me of our life together.  Spiritually, his soul entered a new phase of life as he found himself wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  We had frequently talked about this and with absolute certainty, Dick knew where he was going...into the secure arms of His Saviour.

And now, as I continued to gently smooth his face with my hand, I knew I was gently and lovingly saying "Goodbye".  Dick was older than I when we married, I was 22 years and he was 29 years.  So, I sort of knew, over the years, I would probably outlive him.  But all those years as we loved each other and held on to each other, I never seriously thought about outliving him.  The moment had now come.  I would now outlive him.....for how many years?

With the horrendous outcome of corona virus, I am not even allowed to visit with my family during the days of grief and 'isolation' because I, for one, have been diagnosed with this newly diagnosed virus.  I have been talking on the phone daily but it's not the same as hugs and teary responses.  Unfortunately, the corona virus made me terribly ill myself with daily temperature  elevations and the critical phase of total physical sickly manifestations.  Here I was in deep grief with losing my husband at the same time as managing overwhelming corona virus sickness .  Days went by as I suffered emotionally and physically.  I even wondered  if I would survive.  But God has a plan and I have known how real and vital His plan is.  Just 10 years ago I suffered from inoperable brain cancer and now I survived another all encompassing serious physical ailment.  Days were confusing, time lapses unexplainable as the temperature variations continued.  Ten years ago medical professionals told me I had 7 weeks to live.  And then, miracles of miracles, Jesus appeared to me and said "You will be healed" and here I am......another act of God's amazing providence.  True, I was left with right-sided weakness but alive and able to live out God's purpose for my life!

It's been over a week now since I said "Goodbye" to Dick.  His body has been cremated. within 4 days of death, which is a decision we made 20 years ago.  Having made the decision to dwell in our lakeside home in Elgin, ONT upon retirement, we knew it would facilitate death matters when crossing international lines.  So now his ashes sit in an urn where they will ultimately be placed in the Wyckoff Reformed Church, NJ cemetery in the Weisiger family plot, along side my ashes.

Now my grief is settling down, never over, but now a quiet grief that will live in my heart forever, as my one true love dwells in Heaven awaiting my arrival.   "I love you, Dick.....always and forever, I love you."