Is it really that bad?

When you have been through a painful experience, the death of a family member, a tragic accident, a life-changing physical condition, you wonder if things will ever be normal again.  As time goes on, you become aware of all the 'perfect, energetic' folks around you and you know you cannot keep up with them.  Others look so happy. others act like winners, so successful and you wonder "How can I exist?"  When you think of the widows and widowers grieving, elderly citizens in nursing homes, young friends forced to be bedridden because of an automobile accident, do you respond, "Thank goodness that's not me."  Or do we reach out and offer help, encouragement and love?

We senior citizens face enormous challenges.  We are getting weaker, we are slowing down, we are forgetting what we did yesterday, we lose our spouse and suffer loneliness, we have daily aches and pains, we sell our car, we enter an assisted living facility, we give up shopping and depend on family and friends to shop for us, we wear a 'Do Not Resuscitate' bracelet, we prepay our funeral and all the time we remember our wonderful, productive, busy life.....and wonder.  How did the years pass so quickly?  Why can't I continue in my active lifestyle?  Is this what 'aging' means?  Falling apart and slowly decaying?

In this day and age, the senior population is rapidly growing because of health care advances.  One hundred years ago people just died.  Now because of tremendous accomplishments in health care, we are living longer and longer.  Yes, a ninety year old cannot work nine to five, commute 45 minutes home through heavy traffic, cut the grass, swim 10 laps in his pool and party 'til midnight.  But he can write his memoir, have coffee every morning with his buddies and sit and enjoy the beauties of the season.  What's wrong with enjoying God's creation?  What's wrong with resting in his lounge chair enjoying the warm sunshine?

I write this today because this is what I've been going through.  Here I am sitting in an assisted living facility because of the brain damage I received from the brain cancer that I suffered in 2010.  And here I am a new widow as of May 6.  There are moments when I feel overwhelmed and unable to handle the grief in my life.  I have difficulty walking.......very slowly, with a cane held by my left hand because my right arm was damaged in the cancer.  I have to be very careful so I don't fall.  And here I was just before the cancer hit, walking 2 miles a day, gardening, helping Dick gather wood for our stove in Canada, entertaining with frequent dinner parties, active in church and community.  The brain cancer was unexpected and shocked our family.  Upon research I was reminded that I had tested positive for Lyme disease in 2000 upon routine blood work.  The conclusion is that the Lyme disease, though without symptoms, compromised the immune system in my thalamus (small entity located in the center of my brain) allowing the cancer cells to multiply and affecting the function of the thalamus.

Fortunately, the chemotherapy and 'Jesus healing' saved my life.  The oncologists are shocked I lived (they had given me 7 weeks to survive in July, 2010).  When the cancer hit, Dick was a super husband who visited me every day for the four months I was in the hospital!  The MD told me I was fortunate to have a loyal husband because many leave their wives when cancer hits.  I have been blessed with a super husband who has consistently loved me even when I have been a selfish, egocentric, wanting 'my own way' woman.

Now I ask myself, "Is it really that bad?"  When I consider how the Lord healed me from a fatal cancer, how He also healed me a few months ago from Corona Virus, how I have beautiful accommodations here at Vista Springs, Holland Meadows, a loving supportive family of 4 adults and 12 plus 2 adult grandchildren, a healthy body, ability to write and share my heart with others, I can truthfully say, "God has protected me, healed me and been a constant presence in my life."  Because of Him, my life is definitely NOT bad.  Instead, my life is blessed.  May you feel the same.

Death is hard to think about

As you know, my husband, Dick, died on May 6 of this year.  When you have been married to someone for 61 years death suddenly becomes a painful reality.   In fact, as many of you know who are widows and widowers, the pain never stops, maybe lessens, but never stops. Here it is, three and a half months later, and I feel more grief now than I did on May 6.  Memories float in and out of my mind. I find myself talking to Dick who is not there, I turn around thinking he is right behind me, I cherish the pen he always kept in his pocket, I smile when his favorite dessert is on the menu, and I appreciate comments about his life.

Dick and I had fully planned and talked about funeral arrangements and we had made decisions years ago. We chose cremation with a simple wooden box to hold the ashes, instead of an open casket, viewing a dead body with heavy make-up on the face, expensive coffin, and costly burial.  So, a few days after Dick's death, he was cremated.  One of our daughters picked up the the box of ashes from the funeral home and brought it to me.  Now, keep in mind, I was still battling corona virus and quite ill.  The box of ashes was delivered to me a few weeks after Dick died.  The plan now is for me to keep the box in my possession, and after my death our ashes will be buried side by side in the Weisiger family burial plot in Wyckoff, NJ.  I opened the box of ashes when I was alone and then the shock hit me.  My husband, who I had held in my arms as he was dying just a few weeks before, was there in the box. But now he was a pile of dark ashes sitting in a heavy plastic bag. Where was that precious, athletic, loving man? Just a pile of ashes? Suddenly I felt sick, almost threw up as I stared at the ashes.  It seemed as if the ashes were screaming at me, "He's dead! He's dead! He's dead!"  Then, I thought, what have we done....reducing our bodies to a pile of ashes?

But then I remembered.  Our dead, physical bodies do rot, decay and end up in ashes, even inside a beautiful, costly coffin.  And this is where the spiritual bodies become a reality.  We cannot totally comprehend the spiritual world because we live in a physical world.  But the spiritual world is real.  If you believe in Almighty God and His Son Jesus Christ you believe in a spiritual world.  Our physical bodies die when our hearts stop beating, blood stops flowing and bodily functions no longer work. If we are dead, the billions of cells in our bodies screech to a sudden halt.  But, as believers, we are then transported to our spiritual home in eternity where there is no death.  And guess who transports us to Paradise? Angels!

Remember the Biblical story in Luke 16 about the rich man and the beggar? "The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side".  In Luke 24:51 we read in the King James Version about Jesus on the day of ascension, "While He blessed them, He was parted from them, and carried up into heaven".  Thus we can assume that angels carried Jesus into heaven. Therefore, what about us?  Can we assume that after our hearts stop beating and our lungs stop breathing we will be escorted and carried to the heavenly realms by smiling angels? That thought really thrills me with joy and I hope you feel the same way.

Yes, death is something we don't like to talk about.  But when death hits our loved ones, we are forced to talk about it. We are happy for our loved ones who are believers that die because we know they are being carried by angels to live in heaven where God is with them.  But those of us who are left behind are engulfed with sobs of grief. Right now we are left alone and cry every day as we miss our dear ones.  So let the tears flow, and don't apologize because God gave us tears for a reason. Our grief proves to ourselves and others the depth of our love.

Do you believe in miracles?

Are miracles real? Or are they just figments of our imagination? If we find a parking space right at the entrance of the store, do we call that a "miracle"? Or is it just plain "luck"?  If we are diagnosed with aggressive, fatal brain cancer and survive, is that a miracle?  The answer is easy- YES!  We all talk about our loved ones who have recovered from deadly diagnosis and rejoice when those medical predictions prove wrong. We say, without hesitation, "That was a miracle"!  Webster's dictionary states miracle means "an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs."  There it is, plain and simple...God is divine and God works miracles in our lives.

Have you experienced a miracle?  As many of you know, I have.  In fact, over my life span, I can relate three medical miracles.  The first one was back in 1963.  One evening I experienced sudden, violent abdominal pain.  I lay there wondering about calling the doctor when in approximately 30 minutes, the pain suddenly stopped. I then planned to phone my OB/GYN the next morning.  Exploratory surgery was performed a few days later.  Results were astonishing.  My fallopian tube had burst, caused by a tubal pregnancy.  But instead of suffering immediate peritonitis, my body defenses immediately went into action and built a 'wall' around the hole in the fallopian tube. Result - NO peritonitis!  The doctor called it a miracle.

At the end of May, 2010, Dick and I had returned to our lake house in Canada, when I had a strange vision.  I awoke in the middle of the night to see a figure sitting in a beautiful upholstered chair, dressed in white. Sunbeams radiated off him as he spoke.  "You will be healed, but in my own time frame." And then he was gone. Six weeks later, on July 6, I was told I had, "aggressive, fatal, rare brain cancer" and would live only seven more weeks.  It is now 10 years later and the medical profession labels me 'textbook healed', meaning I am really healed, science declares it, cancer has not returned so they declare me healed from cancer.  Amazing miracle!  Now, you will probably ask, who was that figure in white who spoke to you?  I think it was the Lord because He spoke with such authority and power and predicted He would heal me.  I truly have been blessed.

Now the corona virus,  Dick and I were both diagnosed the end of April, 2020.  Corona virus is horrible.  I remember not even brushing my teeth because I was so weak.  The evening of May 6, while I was with Dick, lying on the bed, caressing his cheek and soothing him with "I love you", Dick suddenly breathed his last and died.  The corona virus had found its victim.  Two nights later, I lost my balance, fell, hit my face, bled all over the floor and had a black eye for several weeks.  Corona virus hit me hard. I hardly ate, was disoriented, wore pajamas day and night, slept constantly, had weird dreams, lost my sense of taste, but then gradually began to feel better.  The staff had worried thinking I would not live.  Here I am, two and 1/2 months later, healed of corona virus.  Another miracle.

Yes, miracles are real. I believe in miracles and I believe Almighty God gives us miracles to accomplish His plans for our lives.  For example, the miracles in my life have given me work to do for the Lord and I am doing just that.  What about you? I am sure that, as senior citizens we have all had something miraculous happen. When you think back eighty plus years, you will recall a miraculous event, however small or minor it might have seemed.  Miracles are proof that God is working in our world, that God is in charge and nothing escapes His attention. Ask your friends and you will hear amazing miracle stories.

Miracle stories give us a feeling of wonder and happiness. By dwelling on such wonderful stories of how God is working in this world, we seniors won't be complaining, grumbling or feeling we aren't worth much. Every one of us is worth a miracle and remember God has a plan for every life lived on this planet.  Think about what God's plan is for your life and it will bring you to another level of joyful living.

Listen to your heart

Have you ever returned to the house you grew up in or the neighborhood you experienced as a child? It is a fascinating, eye-opener journey.  First of all you drive down the long-ago street and you expect it to look as it did years ago. I did just this and I was amazed at the changes. Now keep in mind we're talking about my years on 80 Grand Avenue, Ridgefield Park, NJ  during the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. The house is still there, looking great, but Grand Avenue is now filled with parked cars. Everyone must own 3 or 4 cars per family. But the memories that flood your mind and heart as you physically place yourself in that geographical spot is amazing.

Memories are so important, especially when you are in your senior years because they can fill your heart with smiles. Right now I am remembering the happy 61 years married to Dick. Sure I grieved and wept a lot when he died but now my mind is focused on those decades of exciting adventures and activities. And don't think we didn't have disagreements along the way. Fortunately, we never closed the door on our ugly times. We talked it out and loved each other before the lights went out.

As I sit alone these evenings, I remember the family boating adventures when Dick and Glenn were in their kayaks and the girls and I were in the raft floating down a river in western PA, laughing and enjoying the sprays of water. Or planning and building our backyard pool where Dick literally taught scores of young kids, teens and adults swimming lessons. Or the summer we drove west with all four children and visited Glacier National Park with the glorious mountains and wildlife. And those wonderful years living in Canada as retired US citizens and loving Sand Lake as well as the beautiful cold, snowy Canadian winters. Yes, I am sitting alone, but I am surrounded by precious memories.

We all have tons of photos in boxes, books and drawers. Just going through those memories is mind jarring. We were young, look what we could do 50 years ago, and how the kids have grown, and "remember when?" Yes, our lives quickly pass and we are shocked as we realize how "old" we are.

Our lives have stages and we graduate, hardly noticing until in our senior years we are unable to function. We also gradually witness the death of our friends and loved ones. Isn't it amazing.....we are born, we live, we produce, we contribute, we build, we experience, we love......and then suddenly we die. Sometimes expectantly, but many times, without warning. And now in our senior years we think about dying. Am I ready, do I know where I'm going, are all my 'affairs' in order, do I need to mend some broken relationships? Lots to think about. When Dick died I was right there holding him, telling him "I love you",with no regrets, only love that I poured out on him.

Death can be a frightening experience.....we've never 'died' before.  Since we've never died, let's make the best of today and tell our stories, what's on our hearts, as we remember those days.

Back in September, 1954, I was entering my freshman year at Hope College and needed a ride. Dick lived in NJ, just bought a new Chevy, was returning to Hope to complete his education and was looking for passengers. A girl from Long Island, Joyce Leighley, and I volunteered. We shared driving and there I was, taking my driving turn in PA. Suddenly a police car drove next to me and blew his horn. My reaction was, 'Oh what a friendly guy" and I waved back. Then Dick said, "Janet, I think he wants you to pull over". Now, a bit frightened, I stopped the car.....I was speeding! I was then directed to the nearest 'Justice of the Peace', told I pay to pay $15.00 fine or spend 3 days in jail. All I could think of was Miss Emma Reeverts, the strict Dean of Women at Hope College, and I knew if she saw 'jail' on my record, forget Hope. Borrowing some money from Dick, I paid the fine but told no one! What a start to college.

Our hearts have much to share so enjoy those memories. Others will laugh and so will you.

Heavy Grief........

On May 6, 2020, at 10:30 p.m. I held my husband's face in my hands for the last time. After 61 years of precious marriage, he died at one moment and drew his last breath.  It is a shocking moment when death enters the life of your loved one, especially when it's totally unexpected.  You hear the sounds of raspy breathing and you wonder,  "Is this it? Is this the end of a life I've come to know and love with acceptance?"  And then the breathing suddenly stops....no more gasps, no more intakes, just finality of silence.  You desperately place your hand on his mouth and wait for intakes........but there is nothing......just finality of silence.  I hesitated to call the professional staff, instead to choose these sweet moments of silence of remembering how we lived our lives with such gratitude and intimacy.  How he would purse his lips and blow me a kiss, always reminding me of how much he loved me as we sat there in our black leather lounge chairs, glancing over at each other never forgetting the importance of a meaningful blown kiss.  And now silence, as I ran my hand over his cheek and gently repeated "I love you, Dick......always and forever, I love you."  The cheek remained warm to my touch as his body circulation still took a long time to shut down.  That gave me joy as I knew his physical body ever slowly ceased to pulsate.  He was still with me, physically, reminding me of our life together.  Spiritually, his soul entered a new phase of life as he found himself wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  We had frequently talked about this and with absolute certainty, Dick knew where he was going...into the secure arms of His Saviour.

And now, as I continued to gently smooth his face with my hand, I knew I was gently and lovingly saying "Goodbye".  Dick was older than I when we married, I was 22 years and he was 29 years.  So, I sort of knew, over the years, I would probably outlive him.  But all those years as we loved each other and held on to each other, I never seriously thought about outliving him.  The moment had now come.  I would now outlive him.....for how many years?

With the horrendous outcome of corona virus, I am not even allowed to visit with my family during the days of grief and 'isolation' because I, for one, have been diagnosed with this newly diagnosed virus.  I have been talking on the phone daily but it's not the same as hugs and teary responses.  Unfortunately, the corona virus made me terribly ill myself with daily temperature  elevations and the critical phase of total physical sickly manifestations.  Here I was in deep grief with losing my husband at the same time as managing overwhelming corona virus sickness .  Days went by as I suffered emotionally and physically.  I even wondered  if I would survive.  But God has a plan and I have known how real and vital His plan is.  Just 10 years ago I suffered from inoperable brain cancer and now I survived another all encompassing serious physical ailment.  Days were confusing, time lapses unexplainable as the temperature variations continued.  Ten years ago medical professionals told me I had 7 weeks to live.  And then, miracles of miracles, Jesus appeared to me and said "You will be healed" and here I am......another act of God's amazing providence.  True, I was left with right-sided weakness but alive and able to live out God's purpose for my life!

It's been over a week now since I said "Goodbye" to Dick.  His body has been cremated. within 4 days of death, which is a decision we made 20 years ago.  Having made the decision to dwell in our lakeside home in Elgin, ONT upon retirement, we knew it would facilitate death matters when crossing international lines.  So now his ashes sit in an urn where they will ultimately be placed in the Wyckoff Reformed Church, NJ cemetery in the Weisiger family plot, along side my ashes.

Now my grief is settling down, never over, but now a quiet grief that will live in my heart forever, as my one true love dwells in Heaven awaiting my arrival.   "I love you, Dick.....always and forever, I love you."

Needs or Wants?

This corona virus has presented a unique, horrible time in our lives.  As a mid-eighty year old I can honestly say, without hesitation, this health situation is the most devastating in a lifetime.  All ages are fearful. All ages are in confusion as our lives have been put on halt. Schedules obliterated, relationships technical rather than personal, too much time on our hands, and a feeling of helplessness overwhelms us. Senior citizens are in a risky position as many of us have underlying negative health issues. When we hear the death rate of those affected in nursing homes, it is scary.

Dick and I live in a senior facility for Assisted Living and Memory Care.  We realize we are more prone to corona virus.  However, we are blessed. No resident here has shown any symptoms. No resident is held in virus quarantine. No employee has become infected. The management of this facility has put in place numerous preventive measures. No visitors allowed. Employees have their temperature taken upon entering and leaving. Packages are delivered at the door, sprayed and sometimes put on hold for 24 hours. Mail and newspapers are put on hold for 24 hours. Staff wear masks (often hand-made from scraps of story telling material), gloves and disposable hygienic boots.  Housekeeping wipes down doorhandles, tables and commonly used surfaces with sanitized wipes. We have eliminated group gatherings. We stay 6 feet apart when eating and walking. So far, we are corona virus free.

One interesting decision that involved me I found humbling and somewhat humorous. Part of our regular programming involved Friday morning half hour Bible studies and Sunday afternoon worship services,  With the elimination of group gatherings and any visitors, we could not meet for Bible study or have various pastors come on Sundays to lead worship.  Management then made the decision to appoint me as Bible study leader and Sunday worship leader but accomplish everything on in-house TV.  So, much to my surprise, I am now on TV twice a week!

When you go through a situation like this with lock-downs, no visitors (not even family members) one naturally does some serious thinking. One important mind set is that our lives suddenly have become 'simple'.  We are alone. Here in this facility we don't have to worry about food, protection, heating, air conditioning, water, living assistance, etc. We are cared for and we are fed. So why do we complain? Because many times we are self-centered and don't appreciate what people do for us.

Another important thought. Am I concerned about 'needs' or 'wants'? Just a few weeks ago I had lots of things I thought I wanted running around my brain. For example, wouldn't it be nice to have fresh flowers in my room every week? Or, maybe a jar of special homemade chocolate sauce? Or, how about a new spring outfit? Yet, now, in the midst of a raging health problem bringing death to millions across the world, I ask myself, what is important? Wants or needs.  Needs are the elements for survival and fortunately we as senior citizens are blessed to have those needs met.  Sure, we think we need something, but when it comes down to it....we realize those are just 'wants' rather than 'needs'.

This corona virus is definitely making a mark on our lives.  When we think of the incredible wealth and prosperity we were living under just three or four months ago, we are shocked at where we find ourselves today. And we worry about tomorrow.  In response to all these shocks and changes, I am again reminded.  God is in control!  Is God giving us a wake-up call to return to Him in all honesty, respect, humility, praise and worship?  Have we ignored God?  Have we set Him aside and replaced Him with our selfish 'wants'?  Have we forgotten that He created us out of love?  Have we forgotten that God gave us His Son, Jesus, to die a hideous death on the cross to save us from our sinful natures?  Have we forgotten God loves each of us so much that He wants all of us to dwell in Heaven with Him?  Have we forgotten that God wants us to surrender our hearts to Jesus, and to believe in Him as our Redeemer?

Let us think about these spiritual questions and respond to our Triune God in the affirmative.  Let us make that 'need' for a Savior be a heart wrenching 'want'.  Amen.

My 84th Birthday