by Janet Baird Weisiger
She sat at the kitchen table of their condo in Holland, MI, speech therapist next to her. She sat upright struggling to look and sound intelligent. It was January, 2011 and she had been officially discharged from the hospital in Syracuse, NY the end of October. The trauma of brain cancer had affected her emotions so that she cried easily. Her thinking was difficult but seemed intact and she knew she had a long way to go before she would be able to function normally. It was so hard to think! In fact, it was exhausting!
But things were better every month, she concluded. Back in July, 2010, right after the brain biopsy when she was so very ill, she could only communicate in single words, partial phrases, sometimes barely a whisper. She would think the thought but could barely articulate the thought. How difficult that had been. She recalled how many times she was grateful for the patient, kind nursing staff who understood her limited speech. Maybe only a word, but they knew what she meant.
There were times she could not utter anything because her crying and sobbing overtook her. The doctors who stood asking her questions quietly left the room, their queries unanswered. How frustrating not to be able to communicate. That realization would bring more tears.
And now she had a new challenge. The speech therapist had come to the condo for several weeks now patiently working on her conversational speech. Obediently, she would sit in the chair using all her energies to concentrate on what the therapist was teaching. She remembered how last week she had fallen asleep even before the session was completed. It astounded her that merely thinking or listening intently to someone would be so taxing on her brain.
But now she wanted to push her brain to memorize something...anything! Somehow she thought that if she proved to herself she could memorize, then she would have proof she was getting better....that her brain was healing.
She opened her small Bible to Psalm 51. She cherished this Bible. It was pocket sized so she could easily slip it into her bag. It was light weight so that she could handle it with her left hand. True, the type was small but fortunately her eyesight was still excellent and not affected by the cancer. But, most importantly, Dick had given her this Bible for Christmas back in 1976. Yes, this small Bible was precious.
She now looked down to verses 10, 11, and 12 of Psalm 51. Familiar verses and meaningful verses.
"Can you help me?" she asked the therapist. "I so want to be able to say these verses when I'm lying there in the hospital bed. I go in for chemo again next week and I think they will help me."
Of course, she spoke hesitantly, painfully trying to communicating her desires.
The therapist immediately started working with her, slowly showing her the techniques. Together they patiently took phrase after phrase, repeating, establishing patterns and rhythms.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."
She fought against fatigue. She closed her eyes against any distractions. Oh, she wanted to do this so badly. She wanted to wake up her brain and call it into working again.
How easy it had always been for her to memorize. All the hundreds of concerts she had sung, memorizing every musical note and every lyric. All the musicals she had sung and acted where each speaking word and song she had performed perfectly. Even the various languages she had sung for recitals and oratorios. She knew she could memorize so why was it so difficult now?
The therapist interrupted her thoughts. "For this week, just memorize one line. Then next week we'll try another line."
"Thank you," she smiled. "Create in me a clean heart, O God..............." At last she was doing it! She was memorizing! Only a few words, but she could memorize!
And now, in 2013, she remembered that time and realized how far she had come. Her brain had healed, was still healing and she was grateful. She could now even give public presentations about her cancer communicating hope to victims of the dreaded disease. She also understood with tremendous sensitivity how confusing, how devastating, how frustrating, how emotionally upsetting it is for others with brain injuries.
Brain injuries, for the most part, remain hidden and the victim realizes he or she looks OK but maybe sounds strange or acts weird. Because those symptoms are socially unacceptable in today's culture, brain injured victims experience isolation. Oh, how she now understood their suffering. The words of Psalm 51 rang in her head.
Yes, she was able to recite words by memory but certainly those words meant something.
"Restore to me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."
Brain injured victims, whether from auto accidents, stroke, cancer, military action all need patience, understanding and, most important, God's love and abiding presence. She knew she would help them.
On December 11, 2012, she volunteered to speak to a local "brain-injured support group". She knew that she had to tell her story honestly and truthfully. That meant Jesus would be the main character in her story. She also realized that this 'group' was not a church group and many of these people probably did not know Jesus in a personal way. She knew that a secular culture wanted to keep 'religious' thinking out of the picture. How would her story be received? What would people think?
She remembered some verses from the book of Acts 4: 18-20. "So they (the chief priests, elders and scribes) called them (Peter and John) and charged them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John answered them, "Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge; for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard.""
Yes, she would tell her story! And so she did, speaking for 45 minutes. When she finished, the room was quiet. The social worker in charge then asked for general comments.
Slowly, ever so gently, people in the room began to respond. First one, then another, and soon there was an outpouring of personal testimonies of how God had been in their lives and helped them. A waterfall of God's love fell on that group of 32 suffering brain-injured victims that evening. This was proof that God had indeed heard her prayer of Psalm 51 back in January 2011. Yes, God had put a new and right spirit within her and restored the joy of her salvation. She rejoiced and praised God. She had trusted in God, had overcome her fear of presenting proof of Jesus' presence in her battle with cancer and look what happened! Oh God, You are indeed incredible!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
More of my story......
by Janet Baird Weisiger
"How come you don't go to Florida in the winter? You and your husband are retired.....you have the time," a neighbor inquired.
She laughed. "I love winter! The snow is so beautiful."
Oh, how she enjoyed winter! The eighteen winters they had spent at their Canadian lake house, filled with adventure and challenges. Snow-shoeing, cross country skiing, ice skating all alone down their long bay on perfect black ice. The laughs they had, sledding like young kids on their hill, competing for the longest sled ride. Watching the deer nibble the lakeside cedar trees. Walking the long snow covered lane bordered by waist high snow banks left over from plowing. Relishing the silence in the wintry woods and identifying animal tracks in the new fallen snow.
"There's so much I've lost now that cancer has taken its toll on my body," she confided to a friend. She thought about the physical activity she had always enjoyed and could not do, especially now that it was mid-winter.
Her friend responded sensitively. "But think about what you have gained!"
Yes, she began to think over the long months of hospitalization, chemotherapy, physical and occupational therapy. She remembered the promise Jesus had given her that special night when He had said "You will be healed, BUT in My time frame". She remembered His appearing next to her bed in the hospital, His presence flooding her room with love and radiance so that even the nurses commented on the 'spiritual glow' in her room.
"Yes," she admitted without hesitation. "I have experienced intimacy with my Savior!"
Then she realized. That intimacy had come unannounced, unplanned and unexpectedly. Yes, she had gained a spiritual dimension that she hadn't even known was possible. She had teetered on the entrance to heaven and consequently had become completely dependent on her blessed Jesus.
There were frequent moments during her day when she cherished His presence. When her legs were stiff from sitting too long and she struggled to rise from her chair and walk, she would whisper His name and she would immediately feel His strength and presence lifting her up and energizing her. When she struggled to return to sleep at night, she would whisper familiar Bible verses and then experience His calming assurances so she could fall back to sleep. When she and Dick walked the daily 1/3 mile around the condos, she sometimes had to silently whisper His name to keep going and climb the last hill.
During those four long months at Upstate Hospital in Syracuse, NY while undergoing chemos, spinal taps, endless injections and blood tests, she had experienced His loving presence.
She remembered the night she prayed diligently for the other cancer patients on the unit, several of whom were crying out in confusion and agony that evening. She remembered the floor suddenly becoming quiet and peaceful. Then the nurse coming in her room and commenting how unexplainable that the turmoil amidst the patients had suddenly stopped. Oh, how she had praised and thanked the Lord!
She thought of Denise, the nurse's aide, who frequently was assigned to her care. They had many conversations about Jesus and Denise was always amazed at how much love was evident in her room. Denise, native American, shared how her grandmother had walked her entire family, including little children, across the Canadian border, because she wanted her family to have US citizenship. Then the day before her discharge Denise had come to her and told her something wonderful.
"I used to be close to God, but my life has been so rough, I've strayed away from Him," Denise said. "But knowing you and seeing your faith shine through your struggle with cancer has caused me to turn back to God."
Tears and hugs had followed that conversation. Yes, the intimacy which she had gained with Jesus overflowed onto other lives.
Even the night nurses had come to her and confided, "Your room is so different. I come in here and see your smiling face sleeping on your pillow at night and think there is something so peaceful and loving here. You have something special. I want that for myself."
How many of the nursing staff had come to talk with her and she had caressed their faces with her left hand and told them simply, "Jesus loves you". They then wept and left her room thankful and amazed.
Yes, it was true she had lost a lot....physically. But wasn't it more important to gain spiritually? She had gained a precious intimacy that overflowed to others, that carried her through all the challenging obstacles of her recovery and would never leave her.
Intimacy. What a personal, comforting, confidential word! The more she thought about it the more incredible the reality that she had found 'intimacy' with Jesus. He had come to her. He had come but she had been open. She had surrendered her life to Him decades ago but never experienced this closeness, this dependency. If this cancer hadn't hit, if she had not come close to death....would she have ever experienced this treasure? Then why had He come to her? Why had He spoken to her? Why had He empowered her with this intimacy? And then she knew.
She realized that she had an important assignment from our Lord Himself. She heard His voice prompting her. "Go tell others about My love for them. Go! I will be with you." She then realized everyone has the opportunity to enjoy 'intimacy' with Jesus if only they surrender and let Him take over their lives.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
"How come you don't go to Florida in the winter? You and your husband are retired.....you have the time," a neighbor inquired.
She laughed. "I love winter! The snow is so beautiful."
Oh, how she enjoyed winter! The eighteen winters they had spent at their Canadian lake house, filled with adventure and challenges. Snow-shoeing, cross country skiing, ice skating all alone down their long bay on perfect black ice. The laughs they had, sledding like young kids on their hill, competing for the longest sled ride. Watching the deer nibble the lakeside cedar trees. Walking the long snow covered lane bordered by waist high snow banks left over from plowing. Relishing the silence in the wintry woods and identifying animal tracks in the new fallen snow.
"There's so much I've lost now that cancer has taken its toll on my body," she confided to a friend. She thought about the physical activity she had always enjoyed and could not do, especially now that it was mid-winter.
Her friend responded sensitively. "But think about what you have gained!"
Yes, she began to think over the long months of hospitalization, chemotherapy, physical and occupational therapy. She remembered the promise Jesus had given her that special night when He had said "You will be healed, BUT in My time frame". She remembered His appearing next to her bed in the hospital, His presence flooding her room with love and radiance so that even the nurses commented on the 'spiritual glow' in her room.
"Yes," she admitted without hesitation. "I have experienced intimacy with my Savior!"
Then she realized. That intimacy had come unannounced, unplanned and unexpectedly. Yes, she had gained a spiritual dimension that she hadn't even known was possible. She had teetered on the entrance to heaven and consequently had become completely dependent on her blessed Jesus.
There were frequent moments during her day when she cherished His presence. When her legs were stiff from sitting too long and she struggled to rise from her chair and walk, she would whisper His name and she would immediately feel His strength and presence lifting her up and energizing her. When she struggled to return to sleep at night, she would whisper familiar Bible verses and then experience His calming assurances so she could fall back to sleep. When she and Dick walked the daily 1/3 mile around the condos, she sometimes had to silently whisper His name to keep going and climb the last hill.
During those four long months at Upstate Hospital in Syracuse, NY while undergoing chemos, spinal taps, endless injections and blood tests, she had experienced His loving presence.
She remembered the night she prayed diligently for the other cancer patients on the unit, several of whom were crying out in confusion and agony that evening. She remembered the floor suddenly becoming quiet and peaceful. Then the nurse coming in her room and commenting how unexplainable that the turmoil amidst the patients had suddenly stopped. Oh, how she had praised and thanked the Lord!
She thought of Denise, the nurse's aide, who frequently was assigned to her care. They had many conversations about Jesus and Denise was always amazed at how much love was evident in her room. Denise, native American, shared how her grandmother had walked her entire family, including little children, across the Canadian border, because she wanted her family to have US citizenship. Then the day before her discharge Denise had come to her and told her something wonderful.
"I used to be close to God, but my life has been so rough, I've strayed away from Him," Denise said. "But knowing you and seeing your faith shine through your struggle with cancer has caused me to turn back to God."
Tears and hugs had followed that conversation. Yes, the intimacy which she had gained with Jesus overflowed onto other lives.
Even the night nurses had come to her and confided, "Your room is so different. I come in here and see your smiling face sleeping on your pillow at night and think there is something so peaceful and loving here. You have something special. I want that for myself."
How many of the nursing staff had come to talk with her and she had caressed their faces with her left hand and told them simply, "Jesus loves you". They then wept and left her room thankful and amazed.
Yes, it was true she had lost a lot....physically. But wasn't it more important to gain spiritually? She had gained a precious intimacy that overflowed to others, that carried her through all the challenging obstacles of her recovery and would never leave her.
Intimacy. What a personal, comforting, confidential word! The more she thought about it the more incredible the reality that she had found 'intimacy' with Jesus. He had come to her. He had come but she had been open. She had surrendered her life to Him decades ago but never experienced this closeness, this dependency. If this cancer hadn't hit, if she had not come close to death....would she have ever experienced this treasure? Then why had He come to her? Why had He spoken to her? Why had He empowered her with this intimacy? And then she knew.
She realized that she had an important assignment from our Lord Himself. She heard His voice prompting her. "Go tell others about My love for them. Go! I will be with you." She then realized everyone has the opportunity to enjoy 'intimacy' with Jesus if only they surrender and let Him take over their lives.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
Thursday, January 10, 2013
WHO IS IN CONTROL?
WHO IS IN CONTROL?
by Janet Baird Weisiger
She spotted the decades old t-shirt on the closet shelf. She grabbed it, stretched it out and saw the words. "Mission Control"! Had she really labeled herself with such self proclaimed arrogance? She laughed and recalled the event.
Their first daughter was getting married. And for fun she had created t-shirts for the entire wedding party, each one labeled with a personality trait. As mother of the bride she had chosen "Mission Control" to be emblazoned in bold blue letters on the pink shirt. That had brought many laughs and she remembered the event with nostalgic pleasure.
But now she realized she was NOT in control and had never been in control ......of that wedding or of anyone's life, and certainly not her own. She now posed the question silently to herself, "Who is in control?"
So much had happened to her in the past two years.........
It was March, 2009. She and Dick were returning from their monthly shopping trip to Watertown, New York and stopped as usual at the customs station at the NY/Canadian border. When Dick retired from his position as elementary school principal in New Jersey, they had decided to retire to their scenic lakefront property on the Rideau Waterway in Ontario. After building a comfortable home they moved in. The customs officials processed them and their belongings into Canada without hesitation in 1992.
The Canadian government had welcomed them. After all, the US/Canadian border boasted as to its openness, friendliness and unguarded security. The immigration border official told them at that time, "You can stay here as long as you want. However, you may not be employed, matriculate at a university, and you must travel back to the US several times a year. We will document you as 'seasonal residents'." A smile and a wave in 1992 began 18 years of wonderful retirement.
But this cold March day of 2009, things had drastically changed. Instead of the usual glancing at passports and nodding through customs, the female agent looked at them with suspicion, held on to their passports and directed them to stop at the official border crossing office. Thus followed two hours of intensive questioning. They had begun to feel like criminals! "Where is your address in the States? Who owns that house?"
Since they had established their son's home as their official US address for insurance and voting rights, the Canadian officials found that unacceptable in the new rules post 9/11. Now they could only live six months each year in Canada and they had to own their own place in the States. She remembered the anguish at hearing this information which was totally new to them. Why hadn't they been notified officially by the government?
The customs official then told them, "You must leave Canada in four days or we will put you in prison!"
Wow! What happened to the friendly US/Canadian relationship?
She recalled how they had quickly phoned their daughters in Michigan. "We're coming to see you."
On the trip to Holland MI, she and Dick both agreed God was telling them to buy a condo in Holland NOW! The family had been suggesting they consider a condo in the States for their winters so they realized the time had come.
After looking at over 30 condos, they had found one that they liked. True, it had been built with handicap access including special access bathroom, wide hallways and outdoor ramps. But it was a good price so they bought it.
The winter of 2009-2010, she was busy furnishing and decorating the condo. Then in April 2010, they returned to their lake house on the Rideau Waterway in Ontario.
She sighed, her mind recalling those terrible weeks of June and early July, 2010. Her energy slipping away, falling over in the garden and unable to get up, the night she could not get herself out of the bathtub, the day she realized she could not walk, could not hold a pencil and finally the drive to the hospital for the MRI in Watertown, NY and the subsequent trip to Syracuse Upstate Hospital by ambulance. The MRI had shown "suspicious fluid in the left thalamus of her brain". Even though she was a nurse, she had asked herself, "Where is the 'thalamus' and what does it do?"
By July 8, the oncologist told her the devastating news. "You have cancer of the brain, located in the thalamus, very lethal, very aggressive and you have seven weeks to live!"
She remembered that moment, hearing their grown son crying, feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and blurting out, "Praise God!" And then the next day when the oncologist bounded into her room to tell her they had found a chemo which he "thought would work". It had worked and God had made it work. So, who was in control?
And then, by the end of October, she was discharged from the hospital (finally!). Where could she go? She was in a wheelchair, could barely walk, her right arm held in a sling, hardly able to speak and emotionally a wreck! Well, of course, there was the condo in Holland, MI with handicap access! Who planned that?
Tears filled her eyes as she raised her eyes toward Heaven. "Oh God, You are so incredible! You knew I would need this place before we even thought about the possibility. You allowed that border crossing guard in Canada to stop us, put pressure on us, create a situation that we could not ignore and we ended up buying the perfect condo. Who is in control? YOU are! Oh, Lord, may I never forget to trust You and acknowledge that You are in control!"
"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
For wisdom and might are His.
And He changes the times and the seasons;
He removes kings and raises up kings;
He gives wisdom to the wise
And knowledge to those who have understanding.
He reveals deep and secret things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And light dwells with Him."
Daniel 2: 20-22
by Janet Baird Weisiger
She spotted the decades old t-shirt on the closet shelf. She grabbed it, stretched it out and saw the words. "Mission Control"! Had she really labeled herself with such self proclaimed arrogance? She laughed and recalled the event.
Their first daughter was getting married. And for fun she had created t-shirts for the entire wedding party, each one labeled with a personality trait. As mother of the bride she had chosen "Mission Control" to be emblazoned in bold blue letters on the pink shirt. That had brought many laughs and she remembered the event with nostalgic pleasure.
But now she realized she was NOT in control and had never been in control ......of that wedding or of anyone's life, and certainly not her own. She now posed the question silently to herself, "Who is in control?"
So much had happened to her in the past two years.........
It was March, 2009. She and Dick were returning from their monthly shopping trip to Watertown, New York and stopped as usual at the customs station at the NY/Canadian border. When Dick retired from his position as elementary school principal in New Jersey, they had decided to retire to their scenic lakefront property on the Rideau Waterway in Ontario. After building a comfortable home they moved in. The customs officials processed them and their belongings into Canada without hesitation in 1992.
The Canadian government had welcomed them. After all, the US/Canadian border boasted as to its openness, friendliness and unguarded security. The immigration border official told them at that time, "You can stay here as long as you want. However, you may not be employed, matriculate at a university, and you must travel back to the US several times a year. We will document you as 'seasonal residents'." A smile and a wave in 1992 began 18 years of wonderful retirement.
But this cold March day of 2009, things had drastically changed. Instead of the usual glancing at passports and nodding through customs, the female agent looked at them with suspicion, held on to their passports and directed them to stop at the official border crossing office. Thus followed two hours of intensive questioning. They had begun to feel like criminals! "Where is your address in the States? Who owns that house?"
Since they had established their son's home as their official US address for insurance and voting rights, the Canadian officials found that unacceptable in the new rules post 9/11. Now they could only live six months each year in Canada and they had to own their own place in the States. She remembered the anguish at hearing this information which was totally new to them. Why hadn't they been notified officially by the government?
The customs official then told them, "You must leave Canada in four days or we will put you in prison!"
Wow! What happened to the friendly US/Canadian relationship?
She recalled how they had quickly phoned their daughters in Michigan. "We're coming to see you."
On the trip to Holland MI, she and Dick both agreed God was telling them to buy a condo in Holland NOW! The family had been suggesting they consider a condo in the States for their winters so they realized the time had come.
After looking at over 30 condos, they had found one that they liked. True, it had been built with handicap access including special access bathroom, wide hallways and outdoor ramps. But it was a good price so they bought it.
The winter of 2009-2010, she was busy furnishing and decorating the condo. Then in April 2010, they returned to their lake house on the Rideau Waterway in Ontario.
She sighed, her mind recalling those terrible weeks of June and early July, 2010. Her energy slipping away, falling over in the garden and unable to get up, the night she could not get herself out of the bathtub, the day she realized she could not walk, could not hold a pencil and finally the drive to the hospital for the MRI in Watertown, NY and the subsequent trip to Syracuse Upstate Hospital by ambulance. The MRI had shown "suspicious fluid in the left thalamus of her brain". Even though she was a nurse, she had asked herself, "Where is the 'thalamus' and what does it do?"
By July 8, the oncologist told her the devastating news. "You have cancer of the brain, located in the thalamus, very lethal, very aggressive and you have seven weeks to live!"
She remembered that moment, hearing their grown son crying, feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and blurting out, "Praise God!" And then the next day when the oncologist bounded into her room to tell her they had found a chemo which he "thought would work". It had worked and God had made it work. So, who was in control?
And then, by the end of October, she was discharged from the hospital (finally!). Where could she go? She was in a wheelchair, could barely walk, her right arm held in a sling, hardly able to speak and emotionally a wreck! Well, of course, there was the condo in Holland, MI with handicap access! Who planned that?
Tears filled her eyes as she raised her eyes toward Heaven. "Oh God, You are so incredible! You knew I would need this place before we even thought about the possibility. You allowed that border crossing guard in Canada to stop us, put pressure on us, create a situation that we could not ignore and we ended up buying the perfect condo. Who is in control? YOU are! Oh, Lord, may I never forget to trust You and acknowledge that You are in control!"
"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
For wisdom and might are His.
And He changes the times and the seasons;
He removes kings and raises up kings;
He gives wisdom to the wise
And knowledge to those who have understanding.
He reveals deep and secret things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And light dwells with Him."
Daniel 2: 20-22
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