A Promise Kept Chapters 5 and 6

                                                 _{CHAPTER FIVE}

                                             _{DANCING FLOWERS}

                                               _{Philippians 1: 21-23}

_{“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell.  For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.”}

_{As I look back on that moment I realize I did not respond the way most people do when they hear the diagnosis of cancer.  The typical reaction is sheer terror!  The cancer victim responds as if hearing a death sentence and loses hope.  The diagnosis of ‘cancer’ looms above one like a guillotine ready to totally snuff out a life.}

_{I was not terrified.  The Lord somehow shielded me from that deathly reality.  All I kept thinking was, “Good, they found out what is wrong and now they’ll fix it.”}

_{Even when the oncologist told me very pointedly that, without treatment, my life span would not exceed seven weeks!  At seventy-four years of age, I felt strongly supported by the presence of Jesus and the knowledge that I would be in His presence alive or dead.  I had absolute security of my future after death.  I knew where I was going.  There was never a doubt in my mind.  My assurance is so complete that I pray others may have the same security.}

_{My dad died at age 67 and my mother died at 93.  Both died in their senior years.  I would have loved for my dad to live longer, to see his grandchildren grow to adult years but he lived a long, full, productive life.}

_{My mother was blessed in attending the weddings of our four children and holding precious great-grandbabies.  But her time had come.}

_{Benjamin Franklin said, “There are two things that we can count on.  Death and taxes.”  Yes, we all die.  That is a reality.  But our society denies death, spends millions trying to delay it and does little to prepare for the ‘next life’.} 

_{We have no idea when our death will come.  Even when given a death sentence or estimated time of death, we really don’t know when exactly that day will be.  Therefore I believe we have to be ready and prepared, always looking forward to eternity.}

_{Since my illness, I have given much thought and prayer to ‘dying’.  First of all, as a Christian, I joyfully anticipate my graduation to eternity.  The word ‘graduation’ is appropriate because this earthly life is a school to prepare us and educate us.  God did not create us as robots, but gave us free will to choose and believe Jesus as the Savior and Son of God or deny God and His message of love and salvation.  We learn much in our earthly life to help us make the most important decision in our lifetime.}

_{We are pulled to stay in this earthly life because our bodies instinctively desire to stay alive.  I would love to live long enough to see my grandchildren graduate from college and university and I would love to attend their weddings.  It would be wonderful to hold great-grandbabies.  I would love to enjoy many more years with my loving husband.  But there is one totally guaranteed fact.  My earthly life will end.  When?  I do not know, but I am ready.}

_{The next morning, the oncologist came rushing into my room.  “We have found a chemotherapy for you.  We will begin as soon as we transfer you to the oncology floor.”} 

_{At the time, I was talking with the hospital chaplain, a lovely, spirit filled woman who showed great compassion for me.  The news of the oncologist thrilled me and I knew that the Lord was actively working!}

_{I closed my eyes and it was then that I had an incredible vision.  I saw the throne that Jesus had been sitting on in my dream of May 26.  This time the throne, again laden with radiant beams of sparkling gold, was filled with colorful blooms of flowers, roses, gladiolus, daisies, mums, and lilies.  To my sheer wonder, the throne, festooned with flowers, was tipping back and forth as if ‘dancing’ in place.  It was a gift of joy laid at my feet, rejoicing in the fact that the doctors had finally discovered what was wrong with me and now a way had been found to ‘fix it’.}

_{I shared with the chaplain this beautiful vision and we rejoiced together.}

                                          _{CHAPTER SIX}

                                 _{THE PRAYERS OF THE FAITHFUL}

                                        _{1 Thessalonians 5:17}

                                   _{“Pray without ceasing.”}

            

_{At the time I did not comprehend all that was going on but later I learned the precise information the oncologist, Dr. C., discussed with Glenn the evening of July 9th.}

_{Dr. C. reported that he was 99% sure that my diagnosis was CNS lymphoma.  He emphasized that this cancer is very aggressive but rare.  The cancer was located in a really bad spot in the brain, the thalamus, which is the central relay motor part of the brain.  Dr. C. emphasized that if left untreated, I would only live seven weeks, at the most.  The complete pathology report would give direction on the chemotherapy to be used.}

_{As I later digested this information I praised God that I lived in the 21st century where so many advances in cancer research have occurred.  If this cancer had come 20 or 30 years ago, I would not be here.}

_{Since this type of cancer is so aggressive, I can now understand why my symptoms hit me so suddenly and quickly escalated to my devastating condition.  When I look back, I realize that in the third week of May we had traveled to Adirondack, New York to see our granddaughter Kirsten dance in her ballet.  We stayed at a Bed and Breakfast that had a narrow staircase going up to the second floor.  At our home I planted annuals in my planters surrounding our house and garden beds that May and entertained friends.  At the time, I lacked my usual energy but I fought the fatigue with my customary determination.  But by the middle of June, only a few weeks later, my body was in horrible shape and I entered the hospital.}

_{At the end of June, Kurt brought our laptop to the hospital.  Diana had begun a Carepages file so that friends and family could stay updated on my condition.  That proved such a blessing.  To be able to read messages from so many people in Canada, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Virginia and other places all over the country, moved me to tears.  To realize all these people were approaching the throne of God with prayers and petitions was wonderful.  I did not feel alone.  Every day I asked whoever was in the room with me to read the messages.  A true comfort.}

_{On July 10, there was a lot of activity.  Beth, who lives in the Adirondacks, had come to Syracuse and had been staying in my room for a few nights.  Glenn was there frequently and of course Dick was there every day.  Glenn phoned both Diana and Carin to tell them of the oncologist’s dire report so they drove in from Michigan.  That afternoon they were all there in my room.  I was so surprised to see all my children gathered there.  They greeted me with smiles and hugs as if this was a planned family reunion.  It never entered my mind that the reason they were there was because I had just been told I had seven weeks to live!}

_{While all this reunion was going on, in walked a dear friend from Canada, Charlene and her daughter.  I had known Charlene as a powerful prayer warrior and here she was in my hospital room at the same time as Dick and all our children plus Glenn’s wife, Stephanie.  Charlene led us in a powerful prayer to our precious Lord and joining hands around my bed I felt God’s loving presence.  Surely He was caring for me and would heal me.}

_{Later Diana read this verse, “O Lord my God, I cried out to you for help, and you restored my health.” Psalm 30: 2.}

_{One evening when Glenn was with me, I talked to him again about the vision of Jesus on May 26.  I told him I had thought more about the sphere that Jesus held in his left hand while sitting on the golden throne.  The ‘sphere’ had brought questions to my mind.  What did it mean?  Why did Jesus hold this sphere?  Did it represent some special message for me?} 

_{I told Glenn I had begun to conclude that, of course, the ‘sphere’ was the Holy Spirit!  And the message for me was that Jesus had this gift for me to assist me in my battle with cancer.  The Spirit is invincible and all-powerful.  With all the frightening medical and emotional turmoil surrounding me, this realization that the Holy Spirit was with me and given to me filled me with joy and promise.}

_{The evening of July 10, I was moved to the Oncology floor.  The plan was to surgically place a ‘port’ in my right upper chest wall to facilitate the administration of the chemotherapy.   This was done successfully while I was under minimal anesthesia.  As a former nurse I found it fascinating to listen to the conversation of the doctors during the procedure and be able to understand what they were doing.}

_{The family continued their attentive care, staying with me at night and during the day.  As I look back on this, I am astounded at how I craved my family’s constant presence.  Here I was, an independent woman who was not fazed by speaking in front of thousands of people, who loved ‘new’ situations, who walked into a room of strangers and loved reaching out to each one. Now I was afraid to spend a single minute alone in a hospital bed.}

_{The family wrote daily blogs for my Carepages and many of them are poignant.}

                                                   

_{Carin wrote a super blog on July 10 emphasizing the power of prayer:}

_{Maya and Will came and prayed over the entire room blessing everything here as well as the entire hospital and city! They are prayer warriors for Christ!}

_{Mom was able to spend a large chunk of the day sitting up in a lounge chair and enjoyed several foot massages!}

_{I will be spending the night with Mom so we ask you to pray for a peaceful night of rest for her in preparation for the big days ahead.}

_-Carin

_{And Glenn wrote one on July 11:}

_{Mom spoke to us today about how she is going to write a book about this entire experience. How Jesus spoke to her in a dream, the cancer that has entered into her brain, and how Jesus will HEAL her. Mom said this afternoon, "She wants all to know that Jesus loves everyone and can heal everyone!"}

_{Please remember that Mom frequently asks us to read her all of your messages. Keep them coming! Her smile is radiant!}   

_-Glenn

                                                  

_{Glenn wrote again on July 12:}

_{Mom just ate a great dinner and we had some wonderful prayer with our friend Maya. She is a strong prayer warrior. Mom has requested that we ALL pray BIG tonight for Mom's spiritual strength. Please pray that Mom stays focused on her dream and she continues to look at Jesus' face. The spiritual warfare that we face everyday and what Mom is facing NOW can be conquered if we all pray for Mom's faith to remain strong and focused on Jesus.}

_-Glenn

_{The next day Diana added this:}

_{Your prayers worked! Mom had a great night and was able to stay focused on the face of Jesus. We found some wonderful music on her laptop and kept it looping throughout the night. One song really made a difference... it was about Jesus as the vine. We found the scripture (John 15) that painted this beautiful image. I read these verses to her throughout the night and she visibly relaxed. She told me that the picture of Jesus from her dream was dancing in joy! I am so amazed at her continued, positive nature. She is completely trusting in God.}

_{Dr. C.'s assistant (Dr. S.) stopped in to see Mom this morning. She was amazed to see her already up and in the chair! Mom has been determined to get stronger and was even doing exercises last night at 2:00 am! She is moving more independently, a fact that makes her feel so much better. Dr. S. said that we need to wait for one more test, but until then "a journey of a million miles starts with one small step." (her words)}

_{Hugs to all of Mom's fans,}

_-Diana

_{Carin continued with the following:}

_{Answer to prayer continues! Dr. S. just came in and the results have come in and are conclusive. She will start chemo sometime tonight. They first have to get her fluids up to a} certain degree through an IV. This will be started within the next 2 hours. We ask you to specifically pray to have her fluid level at the appropriate place so chemo can start. God is so good and even in this difficult situation has brought many blessings to us all. Our Savior takes care of all our needs big and small.

Yesterday, Glenn had forgotten his parking pass and was grumbling about having to pay for parking because of forgetting it. As Glenn, Dad, and I were leaving the hospital, we were quietly walking down the hall and a gentleman was doing the same about 10 feet ahead of us. Suddenly, he stopped walking and turned around and asked us if we have been in the hospital for a long time. We explained about the many days. He smiled and handed us a free parking pass!

God takes care of the little things as well as the big things. He is good and keeps his promises. Hebrews 10:23, “Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”

-Carin

A Promise Kept chapter 4

                                          CHAPTER FOUR

                                            PRAISE GOD!

                                      2 Corinthians 12: 9

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

                        

On July 6^th the brain surgeon returned from his vacation and we went to his office.  Glenn had made an appointment the week before.  I had to be wheeled into the office in a wheelchair.  My right arm was very weak, not working well, my right leg was incapable of walking and my speech was slurred.

I sat there looking directly in front of the surgeon and pleaded with him to perform the brain biopsy so that my diagnosis would be confirmed.  I told him,  “Please help me.  I feel like Hell”!  Here I was, a ‘proper’ woman, who never swore, telling the surgeon through tears that I was in critical condition. All that I wanted was that the doctors would find out what was wrong with me and then ‘fix it’.

The surgeon looked at me, deep concern in his eyes.  He agreed to perform the biopsy and I was immediately re-admitted back to Upstate Medical Center.  The biopsy was scheduled the next day.  I was prepped, head partially shaved and waited.

Little did I fully comprehend exactly how the biopsy was performed.  Later I discovered the surgeon uses a drill.  (I remember thinking, “I hope he doesn’t use a drill like Dick has in the basement!”)  The surgeon drills through the scalp, the brain and (in my case) the thalamus, which is actually located right in the middle of the brain.  The thalamus is composed of two walnut shaped entities, one on the right and one on the left of the center of the brain.  My problem was located in the left side.  Thus, I showed weakening of the right-sided body motor skills.  As you can imagine there is a degree of risk in this procedure.  The thalamus governs speech, motor skills and body temperature.  In order for a biopsy to be successful, it means that a sample of brain tissue is actually removed from the brain and examined. 

I have since learned that the brain is made up of fatty tissue.  In time, if the body is healthy, the brain can heal and the nerves regenerate.  That is what I believed would happen to my body.  After all, Jesus told me “You will be healed, BUT in my own time frame.”

Those words of Jesus reverberated in my head.  Even though I experienced my body becoming weaker, I clung to those words.  That gave me a positive outlook.  That told me, yes, don’t worry, Janet.  Jesus told you healing would take place!

I thought back on my reaction to Jesus’ visit that night of May 26.  As was customary in my life I tried to tell God what to do!  He came to give me a message of hope in the face of horrendous brain cancer, and I had told Him, “I’m not that sick.  Go help someone who is really sick!”  How dare I respond that way.  Thank goodness, God, in His ultimate love and grace, still ministered to me.

Syracuse, New York is located on US Highway 81.  Unfortunately, there were a number of serious car accidents the next few days.  Not surprising, since this was post July 4 weekend.  The automobile accidents resulted in severe injuries including head and brain trauma.  They were emergencies.  Consequently, my biopsy was put on hold.  Meantime, of course, I was NPO (nothing to eat).  By the second day, our daughter, Beth, put some pressure on the nursing staff and persuaded them to schedule my surgery ASAP!

A few hours later, finally on July 8, I was on my way to the OR (operating room).  I was totally sedated of course, so I experienced no pain or discomfort. Around the time of the biopsy procedure, I experienced yet another dream.

In the dream I was in a tunnel, sitting in a wheelchair, and I knew instinctively that I was going to Heaven.  There were other figures in the tunnel, all cloaked so that I could not see any faces.  Everyone was moving in the same direction toward my right and everyone was quiet.  Suddenly, something/someone turned my wheelchair around and I immediately returned to the hospital.  My interpretation is that I was close to death but the Lord knew He wanted me back on earth because He had a special assignment for me.

The surgical procedure went smoothly with no complications.  The surgeon kept his word and performed his task with professional excellence.  I was under sedation for about three hours.  A very precise biopsy, the size of a nickel, was successful.

I awoke in the hallway outside the OR.  The surgeon and his assistant spoke to me and drew my attention to my family – Dick, Glenn, his wife Stephanie and our daughter Beth, who were all down the hall in the family waiting area.  Dick acted as if he was in shock.  So much had happened in just two weeks that it was difficult for him to comprehend my condition.  I especially remember Glenn approaching me and smiling.  I had great difficulty speaking but gave the family some indication that, for the moment, I was okay.

The diagnosis still was not certain but I was told the surgeon would carefully review the specimen obtained in the biopsy within the next 24 hours and give a diagnosis.  Thus another wait.

The next morning the doctors made their early morning rounds.  I was not in good shape, both emotionally and physically.  One of the questions they asked me, typical of questions normally asked of patients post-surgically, “Who is the President of the US?”  I remember thinking, “Oh, what is his name?  I know it begins with an ‘O’ but what is it?”  I blurted out, “Osama bin Laden”.  The doctors laughed and I knew I had failed!

After several other comments I heard the surgeon stating, “Her right side is weak because of the nerve damage from the brain biopsy.”  My inner spirit immediately responded, “But you told me, Lord, that I would be healed.  And I believe that.  I know you will heal me!”  Of course the doctors did not hear me, but I felt so positive.

I remember the daily questioning.  Sometimes I was asked simple math questions but I had great difficulty answering them.  I wanted to say, “I’ve always been bad at math.  Ask me some Bible questions instead.”  I thought these things but was unable to speak them.

In fact, I had moments when I completely fell apart and wept.  I was unable to respond to questions.  I could hardly speak, could not verbally communicate my feelings and just sat there and sobbed.  When that happened, the doctors just quietly left the room. 

My brain was in a state of emotional and physical turmoil and it was impossible to think or talk logically.  Such is the case with brain injuries.  No one really knows how or what you are feeling unless they have been there.  In my case, I could struggle to think but could not articulate.  My sensitive nature created a jumble of emotions and confusion.  It was hard to cope with reality and especially difficult to ascertain my future.

In reality my right side was immobile.  My hand and arm could not move and my leg just lay there.  But I kept believing in God’s promise that I would heal and knew it was only a matter of time.  I realized that nerves take time to heal but I also knew from my nursing background that it was indeed possible.  I trusted in God’s promise.  God has a record of promises recorded in the Bible so I knew without a doubt He would keep His promise of May 26.  “You will be healed, BUT in my own time frame.”

The next evening, July 9, Dick had left the hospital and went to Glenn’s for dinner and rest.  Glenn sat with me in the hospital room.  The oncologist entered with his assistant and stated that the surgeon confirmed the diagnosis of CNS (central nervous system) lymphoma in the thalamus.  In other words, cancer of the brain.  The oncologist spoke gravely, emphasizing the seriousness of my illness.  He paused, and then stated, “You have seven weeks to live.”

I heard Glenn crying but I sat there in my bed feeling an incredible spirit of peace.  At first I thought, “Oooh, seven weeks is not very long.” But then, “I know where I’m going, God will take care of me.  It’s okay.”  I then said loud and clear, “PRAISE GOD!”

At this I heard a muffled cry of wonder.  I realized this came from the oncologist’s assistant.  Then I added, “God is good!”  I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to make these comments.  I truly was not afraid of death, but yet ringing in my head was that promise of healing from Jesus.

The oncologist added that they would look for a chemotherapy that hopefully would work for me.  Then he and the assistant left the room.

A Promise Kept, Chapter 2

                                                 CHAPTER TWO

                                          CONFUSION AND CALAMITY

                                                   Psalm 69: 1

                “Save me, O God!  For the waters have come up to my neck.”

The winter of 2009 was spent in Michigan.  We took time buying furniture, decorating the condo, making some improvements and enjoying new friends.  We left in late April 2010, anxious to return to the daffodils and tulips I had planted on our Canadian property.

A few weeks after we arrived in Canada, I started experiencing periods of unexplained fatigue and depression.  I rested, pushed myself to garden, and tried to figure what was wrong.  As a nurse, (I was a graduate of Columbia University- Presbyterian Hospital School of Nursing), I constantly attempted to self-diagnose myself.

Finally, in early June, I was planting some marigolds in the garden when I suddenly fell over from my kneeling position onto the ground and could not get up.  Dick immediately came to my side to help me.  But I did not want to leave that spot until the marigolds were planted.  Wasn’t that more important than my physical condition?  I thought so.

About a week later, I was taking a bath in our upstairs whirlpool tub.  I did not have the strength to get out of the tub.  Dick heard my calls and came to help me.  Something definitely was wrong with me but I could not figure it out.

In mid June our daughter, Diana, arrived from Michigan with her family for their vacation days.  We were excited to see them and I struggled to get off the bed and greet them.  I sat on the porch, stood up to welcome them, then retreated to the bedroom.  Diana told me later that I looked awful and she knew I was not well. 

The next morning I had difficulty walking and suddenly realized I could not hold a pen in my right hand.  With family persuasion I phoned my doctor in Watertown, NY.  I was crying when Elaine, the nurse, responded to my call.  Elaine, who I had known for years, told me, “Get down here to Watertown Hospital ER immediately.  Please Janet, don’t delay.”

When we arrived at the hospital I was very weak.  Dick found a wheelchair and I was ushered in to the ER admitting nurse.  I remember crying throughout the interview process.  I was feeling so miserable and I just wanted someone to say, “We know what the problem is and we’ll fix it.”  I entered the ER, got into a bed and waited for directions.  Presently I was told I was to undergo an MRI.  That procedure was comfortable and I was returned to my space in the ER. 

Very soon I recognized my doctor coming down the hall toward me with a paper in his hand.  He had a look of compassion on his face but also communicated that he was about to share with me something very grave.  He told me the MRI showed some suspicious fluid in my thalamus.  He was sending me directly to Upstate Medical Center in Syracuse by ambulance.  The thalamus?  Where was that?  And what did ‘suspicious fluid’ mean?

I remember that ride.  Noisy, bumpy, weaving in and out of traffic.  But we arrived safely and I was immediately admitted to the Syracuse hospital.  At that point I had no idea where Dick was.

Actually, Dick had returned to Canada, picked up some extra clothes, phoned Glenn, our son, to tell him he would be spending a few days with him in Manlius, New York (just outside Syracuse) because I was in the hospital.  Diana drove to Syracuse with him.

While Diana stayed at Glenn and Stephanie’s that week she opened up Carepages so that our family and friends would be informed of my illness.  Our friends were concerned and immediately started active prayer chains.

The family was shocked.  I was always the picture of health and energy and no one could believe I was seriously ill.  At that moment I was not aware of the gravity of my physical condition.  I was admitted to the neurological floor for observation.  The nursing staff was wonderful. 

Since I had trouble walking, I took it upon myself to get out of my hospital bed and walk the halls myself, holding on to the wall railing with my left hand.  My right hand and arm were useless.  I knew that one had to keep moving to avoid muscle deterioration.  The physical therapist spotted me and brought me a walker to assist me. No one wanted me to fall.  I was beginning to experience some concern because I felt my body weakening and losing coordination.  But I was determined to help myself and not give up. 

At this point in my hospitalization I was being evaluated.  The doctors were not certain of my diagnosis.  They were looking at three possibilities.  Either I had a stroke, Lyme disease in the brain or cancer in the brain.  I had another MRI and three spinal tests, but nothing appeared conclusive for an accurate diagnosis.  One of the doctors I met was a renowned brain surgeon, who suggested a brain biopsy, which would accurately determine the diagnosis.  He stated he himself would carefully examine the biopsy findings.  He gave me the satisfaction that his expertise would be trustworthy.

At the end of June, Diana’s husband, Dave, and their boys Danny and Will, drove from Canada to Syracuse to pick up Diana to return to Michigan.  About this time Carin and her family arrived in Canada for their vacation days.  Carin’s husband, Kurt, immediately drove Carin to Watertown, NY where Glenn picked her up to take her to Syracuse.  Both Carin and Diana plus our daughter Beth, who lived in the Adirondacks, and our son Glenn were very upset and wondered what was going on with me and my health.

The testing and the evaluation continued.  The spinals were not painful but I had to remain on my back for hours after each spinal to prevent horrific spinal headaches.

I remember I had just returned to my room from the second spinal when our son-in-law, Kurt and the children, Jacob, Hannah, and Jared came to visit me and pick up our daughter Carin so they could return to Michigan.  I hated lying on my back and complained bitterly.  I later realized this was not a good example for Carin’s kids.

Carin told me that their family would take our beloved chocolate lab back to Michigan with them.  Since they already owned a chocolate lab, Becca, who was actually Bonnie’s cousin, I knew our dog would be well cared for.  Of course, at this point I still thought I would resume my normal life very soon.

It was now the end of June and the brain surgeon was scheduled to take a week’s vacation through the Fourth of July weekend.  The remaining staff doctors decided to discharge me from the hospital with no procedure planned.

I did wonder what was going on.  Had they given up on me?  Why did they discharge me when I was in deteriorating health?  No answers and the doctors didn’t seem to know what to do with me.