Christmas music sings JOY!

How I love Christmas music that we've heard for generations. We hear the songs and remember Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" and "Do you Hear what I Hear".  Remember Gene Autry singing "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Holly, Jolly Christmas" with Burl Ives and "The Little Drummer Boy" sung by the Harry Simeone Chorale?  We still hear those songs today.  Christmas Carols remind us of Jesus born in a manger and angels singing to shepherds. Music is a joyful gift and fills our hearts, especially this Covid year!  Have you ever wondered where music started or where it came from?  We are all given the ability to sing a tune, maybe off key or gravelly rough, but our lungs and vocal cords manufacture musical sounds. What a gift God has given us.  We are created with the ability to sing and singing gives us joy!.

Since I love Christmas Carols, years ago I would gather the family together plus any friends who were interested, and we would walk around our neighborhood on Hartung Dr. in Wyckoff, NJ and 'go Caroling'. Our kids loved it, especially during their teenage years, because they would take their boyfriend or girlfriend with them and afterward we would warm up at our house with hot cocoa and cookies.  It was such fun ringing doorbells and starting to sing as our neighbors opened their doors in surprise, looking out at us all dressed in toasty, warm coats and scarves as the snowflakes danced around us.

How I remember the hundreds of Christmas concerts Jane Douglas White, accompanist, and I presented around the country, especially with my three girls singing with us. Of course, the audiences were entranced with these young girls, ages 6, 8, and 10 performing songs of Christmas. And what did the girls love the most? The 'goodies' they were served after the concerts and their days off from school.

This year will be challenging as we will continue great care in protecting ourselves from Covid 19.  How I love the gathering of friends to party, the gathering of families to celebrate, the rich concerts as we listen to sounds of music.  Will any of that be available?  Will we be able to laugh with friends and family? Will we exchange gifts with our grandchildren? All of this looks doubtful this year. But do you know what we can do and will do? Listen for hours to the music of Christmas reminding us of the real meaning of Christmas.

Back in 2010, I was suffering from CNS lymphoma in the left thalamus of my brain.  I returned to Holland, MI late October after being in the Syracuse (NY) Medical Center for four months as the oncologists treated and cared for me. There I sat in our condo, unable to do anything.  December arrived and the realization hit me.  Christmas time was here and I could not bake cookies, buy presents, wrap presents, entertain friends, decorate the tree with all its handmade ornaments, place candles in the Advent wreath, put the Christmas wreath on the door and set out the nativity set.  Dick was in and out as he was able to continue with his exercises, errands and shopping. I sat alone in silence. Tears ran down my cheeks and I wondered if I was ever to be well again.  Dick came home and he turned on a CD of beautiful Christmas music. As I continued sitting in my recliner, the music began to sooth me. The poignant word of each song touched my heart.  "O Come Let Us Adore Him" rang in the air.  What is Christmas about, Janet? Why do we have Christmas? Who was born in a stable, dirty with farm animals? How did that young Mary feel about giving birth, for the first time, on a pile of hay? What was Mary's reaction when smelly shepherds arrived praising God and asking to see the baby? What must have gone through Mary's mind as she knew this baby had grown in her for nine months even though she was a virgin? Did Mary radiate God's presence knowing that the "Son of the Most High" had just been born?  Suddenly my loneliness was gone, my helplessness did not matter.  An angel had told the shepherds, "For to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."  JESUS IS BORN!

I'm hungry for love but I'm starving to give love

 One of the painful things about being a widow or widower is the hunger for love.  Following decades of loving and being loved, all of a sudden we are alone.  No one likes being alone, lonely, no one to talk to, empty house, waking up in the middle of the night alone, no one snoring or coughing or rolling over in bed, no one watching the sunset with you, no one to share the smell of new cut grass, no one to scratch your back, no one to share life with and on and on. We are a couple-oriented society so rarely are we invited to dinner parties. We would be the odd one at the dinner table and who wants an odd number.  Yes, not only are our social lives turned upside down but our emotional lives, already burdened with grief, suffer loneliness.  Fortunately, there are many opportunities to join a 'Grief sharing group' and that is a huge help.

But if our social needs are met, does that mean our 'love' needs are met?  The love that we experienced with our spouse was deep, committed, heart to heart, forgiving, fun, intimate, sharing and hugging.  So, where do I find that love now?  Some people search for that self-seeking love and end up compromising their lives with inappropriate relationships.  They are so hungry for love that they cling to someone who is not faithful nor loyal.  And then their suffering deepens.

Yes, I am hungry for love because I miss Dick so much.  We enjoyed marriage because we shared so much together. We had our own professional lives but we always talked about those happenings.  He was always there for me especially during my challenge with brain cancer. He always encouraged me whether I was singing concerts or writing magazine articles.  Yes, he was there and that is why today I am hungry for love because no one is there.  And yet, in my hunger for love, I don't, in any way, want to diminish my everlasting love for Dick.  Now, as I am hungry for love, what do I do if I establish another truthful, loving, and faithful relationship? Loving is part of our lives and God has given all of us a gift to uphold and respect and honor.

Another part of loving is 'giving love' and that is what we must activate now because we can do that ourselves.  Also 'giving love' is not selfish or ego building but is totally aimed at showing compassion to others. When you give of yourself to another person you are forgetting yourself and focusing on another individual.  And that takes the self-centeredness out of the relationship. We are living today in a very self-centered society.  We have enough money to buy things we don't need, we have enough money to choose our life-style, we have enough money to own 2 or 3 cars, we have enough money to feel overly satisfied, but isn't it interesting, we always want more.  If we choose to be a 'giving' person in all we do, we will feel satisfied.  And that includes 'loving' and 'giving love'.

How do we 'give love'? It is a choice that I made after Dick died.  I live in an assisted living facility because I have right-sided weakness (not paralysis).  My mind still works. My sensitivity tells me when people are hurting, feeling lonely, dejected and sad. But what a difference is made when I greet them with a warm, cheerful smile and talk with them showing genuine interest and joy.  Here's another avenue of 'giving love'.  Many times when a group of seniors congregate they begin to complain about many 'stupid' things.......the weather, the food, relationships, the 'other people'......whatever crosses their minds.  By intervening in the conversation, you can be a valuable, positive change.

Love is a small word but love is huge in emotional meaning.  Love is precious, valuable, powerful and fulfilling.  Do not abuse love but cherish the opportunity to give.  Then, by 'giving love', we who are grieving and feeling lonely, all of a sudden feel lifted out of our pain.  By giving of ourselves to others we are leaving the lonely pain behind.  Yes, I am 'starving' to give love and I know the more I dedicate to that choice, the free-er and happier I will be.

Be prepared for senior expenses

We all try tp plan ahead, especially when it comes to money.  We don't want to be unprepared when it comes to additional expenses in our senior years. We look forward to retirement, we've saved money over the years to enjoy 'senior living' and we feel comfortable with our bank account. But then, all of a sudden we are faced with unpredictable high expenses.  Are we prepared for that?

For example, one of us deals with sudden physical problems like a stroke which causes paralysis, brain dysfunction and the victim must be hospitalized. If the damage to the body is permanent, then the family must look to a facility that offers total nursing care or assisted living.  That is when the costs suddenly escalate and can continue for months or years. Unless we make definitive decisions regarding end of life care, our medical system could even keep us alive in a vegetative state for years.   Are we prepared?

If you look at construction and growth of new buildings you will observe a noticeable increase in senior care facilities.  That must mean there exists a need for more senior care facilities. We are an aging population. The number of senior citizens increases every year.  Whereas senior citizens in years past lived out their lives with their families, senior citizens now live in facilities.  Have you toured facilities?  Have you questioned prices of living in facilities?  Have you compared living arrangements including privacy, living space, meals?

In this west Michigan area we are blessed that there are a number of senior living facilities that vary as to space for individual occupancy, cost and meal availability.  In Bergen County, New Jersey, where I lived most of my life, there are only a few senior living facilities with very high costs. Here in MI, a senior citizen can live in a roomy two room 'assisted living' apartment with bath plus three meals a day for $6,000 or $7,000 a month.  Or you can choose a small half room accommodation separated only by a curtain from a roommate, with shared bath and limited closet space for $2,000 to $3,000 a month.  Nursing home facilities cost about $12,000 a month. And there are various options including very affordable rooms in non-profit facilities and the number of meals per day in other facilities.  As we grow older, we crave and protect our privacy.  We can find living in the same room with an unknown adult who insists on turning the TV on 'loud' very upsetting. But can we afford the more expensive accommodation? Or do we expect our families to pitch in paying the expenses. After all, didn't we pay their costs of education and living?  Or do we ignore that question thinking, "That won't happen to me."

Well, it did happen to me. Here I am a healthy senior citizen with good vital signs and excellent bloodwork, but unable to use my right arm and hand and weak in walking. I can't live independently. I require living in an assisted living facility which costs money.  Fortunately, my husband always planned ahead financially, never let debt creep in, so that I am well taken care of now as a new widow. How grateful I am for his wise 'looking ahead' attitude. He made important decisions regarding insurance and investments which guarantee my care throughout the remainder of my senior years. Instead of spending money on trip after trip touring the world, we always made careful decisions, making certain there was always money left for the unpredictable "What ifs?" in our senior years.

When I see today the number of people today who hold several credit cards and push their spending beyond common sense, I wonder.  Are they prepared for senior living?  In some ways it seems a lot of people are in denial about old age expenses figuring, "Oh, I'll manage", never investigating the price of facilities because, "I'm still young".

By being prepared for our senior living expenses we are extending love to our families.  We have always shown independence in our living and strive to continue that independence, so let's not assume our children should pay the bills. By planing ahead we are a good example and model to our families how to live considerate, truly loving lives.  So look around, visit different facilities, talk with management, talk specific expenses, talk to families who have relatives in senior living facilities and carefully plan ahead for your future and your last days on earth.

Is it really that bad?

When you have been through a painful experience, the death of a family member, a tragic accident, a life-changing physical condition, you wonder if things will ever be normal again.  As time goes on, you become aware of all the 'perfect, energetic' folks around you and you know you cannot keep up with them.  Others look so happy. others act like winners, so successful and you wonder "How can I exist?"  When you think of the widows and widowers grieving, elderly citizens in nursing homes, young friends forced to be bedridden because of an automobile accident, do you respond, "Thank goodness that's not me."  Or do we reach out and offer help, encouragement and love?

We senior citizens face enormous challenges.  We are getting weaker, we are slowing down, we are forgetting what we did yesterday, we lose our spouse and suffer loneliness, we have daily aches and pains, we sell our car, we enter an assisted living facility, we give up shopping and depend on family and friends to shop for us, we wear a 'Do Not Resuscitate' bracelet, we prepay our funeral and all the time we remember our wonderful, productive, busy life.....and wonder.  How did the years pass so quickly?  Why can't I continue in my active lifestyle?  Is this what 'aging' means?  Falling apart and slowly decaying?

In this day and age, the senior population is rapidly growing because of health care advances.  One hundred years ago people just died.  Now because of tremendous accomplishments in health care, we are living longer and longer.  Yes, a ninety year old cannot work nine to five, commute 45 minutes home through heavy traffic, cut the grass, swim 10 laps in his pool and party 'til midnight.  But he can write his memoir, have coffee every morning with his buddies and sit and enjoy the beauties of the season.  What's wrong with enjoying God's creation?  What's wrong with resting in his lounge chair enjoying the warm sunshine?

I write this today because this is what I've been going through.  Here I am sitting in an assisted living facility because of the brain damage I received from the brain cancer that I suffered in 2010.  And here I am a new widow as of May 6.  There are moments when I feel overwhelmed and unable to handle the grief in my life.  I have difficulty walking.......very slowly, with a cane held by my left hand because my right arm was damaged in the cancer.  I have to be very careful so I don't fall.  And here I was just before the cancer hit, walking 2 miles a day, gardening, helping Dick gather wood for our stove in Canada, entertaining with frequent dinner parties, active in church and community.  The brain cancer was unexpected and shocked our family.  Upon research I was reminded that I had tested positive for Lyme disease in 2000 upon routine blood work.  The conclusion is that the Lyme disease, though without symptoms, compromised the immune system in my thalamus (small entity located in the center of my brain) allowing the cancer cells to multiply and affecting the function of the thalamus.

Fortunately, the chemotherapy and 'Jesus healing' saved my life.  The oncologists are shocked I lived (they had given me 7 weeks to survive in July, 2010).  When the cancer hit, Dick was a super husband who visited me every day for the four months I was in the hospital!  The MD told me I was fortunate to have a loyal husband because many leave their wives when cancer hits.  I have been blessed with a super husband who has consistently loved me even when I have been a selfish, egocentric, wanting 'my own way' woman.

Now I ask myself, "Is it really that bad?"  When I consider how the Lord healed me from a fatal cancer, how He also healed me a few months ago from Corona Virus, how I have beautiful accommodations here at Vista Springs, Holland Meadows, a loving supportive family of 4 adults and 12 plus 2 adult grandchildren, a healthy body, ability to write and share my heart with others, I can truthfully say, "God has protected me, healed me and been a constant presence in my life."  Because of Him, my life is definitely NOT bad.  Instead, my life is blessed.  May you feel the same.

Death is hard to think about

As you know, my husband, Dick, died on May 6 of this year.  When you have been married to someone for 61 years death suddenly becomes a painful reality.   In fact, as many of you know who are widows and widowers, the pain never stops, maybe lessens, but never stops. Here it is, three and a half months later, and I feel more grief now than I did on May 6.  Memories float in and out of my mind. I find myself talking to Dick who is not there, I turn around thinking he is right behind me, I cherish the pen he always kept in his pocket, I smile when his favorite dessert is on the menu, and I appreciate comments about his life.

Dick and I had fully planned and talked about funeral arrangements and we had made decisions years ago. We chose cremation with a simple wooden box to hold the ashes, instead of an open casket, viewing a dead body with heavy make-up on the face, expensive coffin, and costly burial.  So, a few days after Dick's death, he was cremated.  One of our daughters picked up the the box of ashes from the funeral home and brought it to me.  Now, keep in mind, I was still battling corona virus and quite ill.  The box of ashes was delivered to me a few weeks after Dick died.  The plan now is for me to keep the box in my possession, and after my death our ashes will be buried side by side in the Weisiger family burial plot in Wyckoff, NJ.  I opened the box of ashes when I was alone and then the shock hit me.  My husband, who I had held in my arms as he was dying just a few weeks before, was there in the box. But now he was a pile of dark ashes sitting in a heavy plastic bag. Where was that precious, athletic, loving man? Just a pile of ashes? Suddenly I felt sick, almost threw up as I stared at the ashes.  It seemed as if the ashes were screaming at me, "He's dead! He's dead! He's dead!"  Then, I thought, what have we done....reducing our bodies to a pile of ashes?

But then I remembered.  Our dead, physical bodies do rot, decay and end up in ashes, even inside a beautiful, costly coffin.  And this is where the spiritual bodies become a reality.  We cannot totally comprehend the spiritual world because we live in a physical world.  But the spiritual world is real.  If you believe in Almighty God and His Son Jesus Christ you believe in a spiritual world.  Our physical bodies die when our hearts stop beating, blood stops flowing and bodily functions no longer work. If we are dead, the billions of cells in our bodies screech to a sudden halt.  But, as believers, we are then transported to our spiritual home in eternity where there is no death.  And guess who transports us to Paradise? Angels!

Remember the Biblical story in Luke 16 about the rich man and the beggar? "The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side".  In Luke 24:51 we read in the King James Version about Jesus on the day of ascension, "While He blessed them, He was parted from them, and carried up into heaven".  Thus we can assume that angels carried Jesus into heaven. Therefore, what about us?  Can we assume that after our hearts stop beating and our lungs stop breathing we will be escorted and carried to the heavenly realms by smiling angels? That thought really thrills me with joy and I hope you feel the same way.

Yes, death is something we don't like to talk about.  But when death hits our loved ones, we are forced to talk about it. We are happy for our loved ones who are believers that die because we know they are being carried by angels to live in heaven where God is with them.  But those of us who are left behind are engulfed with sobs of grief. Right now we are left alone and cry every day as we miss our dear ones.  So let the tears flow, and don't apologize because God gave us tears for a reason. Our grief proves to ourselves and others the depth of our love.

Do you believe in miracles?

Are miracles real? Or are they just figments of our imagination? If we find a parking space right at the entrance of the store, do we call that a "miracle"? Or is it just plain "luck"?  If we are diagnosed with aggressive, fatal brain cancer and survive, is that a miracle?  The answer is easy- YES!  We all talk about our loved ones who have recovered from deadly diagnosis and rejoice when those medical predictions prove wrong. We say, without hesitation, "That was a miracle"!  Webster's dictionary states miracle means "an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs."  There it is, plain and simple...God is divine and God works miracles in our lives.

Have you experienced a miracle?  As many of you know, I have.  In fact, over my life span, I can relate three medical miracles.  The first one was back in 1963.  One evening I experienced sudden, violent abdominal pain.  I lay there wondering about calling the doctor when in approximately 30 minutes, the pain suddenly stopped. I then planned to phone my OB/GYN the next morning.  Exploratory surgery was performed a few days later.  Results were astonishing.  My fallopian tube had burst, caused by a tubal pregnancy.  But instead of suffering immediate peritonitis, my body defenses immediately went into action and built a 'wall' around the hole in the fallopian tube. Result - NO peritonitis!  The doctor called it a miracle.

At the end of May, 2010, Dick and I had returned to our lake house in Canada, when I had a strange vision.  I awoke in the middle of the night to see a figure sitting in a beautiful upholstered chair, dressed in white. Sunbeams radiated off him as he spoke.  "You will be healed, but in my own time frame." And then he was gone. Six weeks later, on July 6, I was told I had, "aggressive, fatal, rare brain cancer" and would live only seven more weeks.  It is now 10 years later and the medical profession labels me 'textbook healed', meaning I am really healed, science declares it, cancer has not returned so they declare me healed from cancer.  Amazing miracle!  Now, you will probably ask, who was that figure in white who spoke to you?  I think it was the Lord because He spoke with such authority and power and predicted He would heal me.  I truly have been blessed.

Now the corona virus,  Dick and I were both diagnosed the end of April, 2020.  Corona virus is horrible.  I remember not even brushing my teeth because I was so weak.  The evening of May 6, while I was with Dick, lying on the bed, caressing his cheek and soothing him with "I love you", Dick suddenly breathed his last and died.  The corona virus had found its victim.  Two nights later, I lost my balance, fell, hit my face, bled all over the floor and had a black eye for several weeks.  Corona virus hit me hard. I hardly ate, was disoriented, wore pajamas day and night, slept constantly, had weird dreams, lost my sense of taste, but then gradually began to feel better.  The staff had worried thinking I would not live.  Here I am, two and 1/2 months later, healed of corona virus.  Another miracle.

Yes, miracles are real. I believe in miracles and I believe Almighty God gives us miracles to accomplish His plans for our lives.  For example, the miracles in my life have given me work to do for the Lord and I am doing just that.  What about you? I am sure that, as senior citizens we have all had something miraculous happen. When you think back eighty plus years, you will recall a miraculous event, however small or minor it might have seemed.  Miracles are proof that God is working in our world, that God is in charge and nothing escapes His attention. Ask your friends and you will hear amazing miracle stories.

Miracle stories give us a feeling of wonder and happiness. By dwelling on such wonderful stories of how God is working in this world, we seniors won't be complaining, grumbling or feeling we aren't worth much. Every one of us is worth a miracle and remember God has a plan for every life lived on this planet.  Think about what God's plan is for your life and it will bring you to another level of joyful living.

Listen to your heart

Have you ever returned to the house you grew up in or the neighborhood you experienced as a child? It is a fascinating, eye-opener journey.  First of all you drive down the long-ago street and you expect it to look as it did years ago. I did just this and I was amazed at the changes. Now keep in mind we're talking about my years on 80 Grand Avenue, Ridgefield Park, NJ  during the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. The house is still there, looking great, but Grand Avenue is now filled with parked cars. Everyone must own 3 or 4 cars per family. But the memories that flood your mind and heart as you physically place yourself in that geographical spot is amazing.

Memories are so important, especially when you are in your senior years because they can fill your heart with smiles. Right now I am remembering the happy 61 years married to Dick. Sure I grieved and wept a lot when he died but now my mind is focused on those decades of exciting adventures and activities. And don't think we didn't have disagreements along the way. Fortunately, we never closed the door on our ugly times. We talked it out and loved each other before the lights went out.

As I sit alone these evenings, I remember the family boating adventures when Dick and Glenn were in their kayaks and the girls and I were in the raft floating down a river in western PA, laughing and enjoying the sprays of water. Or planning and building our backyard pool where Dick literally taught scores of young kids, teens and adults swimming lessons. Or the summer we drove west with all four children and visited Glacier National Park with the glorious mountains and wildlife. And those wonderful years living in Canada as retired US citizens and loving Sand Lake as well as the beautiful cold, snowy Canadian winters. Yes, I am sitting alone, but I am surrounded by precious memories.

We all have tons of photos in boxes, books and drawers. Just going through those memories is mind jarring. We were young, look what we could do 50 years ago, and how the kids have grown, and "remember when?" Yes, our lives quickly pass and we are shocked as we realize how "old" we are.

Our lives have stages and we graduate, hardly noticing until in our senior years we are unable to function. We also gradually witness the death of our friends and loved ones. Isn't it amazing.....we are born, we live, we produce, we contribute, we build, we experience, we love......and then suddenly we die. Sometimes expectantly, but many times, without warning. And now in our senior years we think about dying. Am I ready, do I know where I'm going, are all my 'affairs' in order, do I need to mend some broken relationships? Lots to think about. When Dick died I was right there holding him, telling him "I love you",with no regrets, only love that I poured out on him.

Death can be a frightening experience.....we've never 'died' before.  Since we've never died, let's make the best of today and tell our stories, what's on our hearts, as we remember those days.

Back in September, 1954, I was entering my freshman year at Hope College and needed a ride. Dick lived in NJ, just bought a new Chevy, was returning to Hope to complete his education and was looking for passengers. A girl from Long Island, Joyce Leighley, and I volunteered. We shared driving and there I was, taking my driving turn in PA. Suddenly a police car drove next to me and blew his horn. My reaction was, 'Oh what a friendly guy" and I waved back. Then Dick said, "Janet, I think he wants you to pull over". Now, a bit frightened, I stopped the car.....I was speeding! I was then directed to the nearest 'Justice of the Peace', told I pay to pay $15.00 fine or spend 3 days in jail. All I could think of was Miss Emma Reeverts, the strict Dean of Women at Hope College, and I knew if she saw 'jail' on my record, forget Hope. Borrowing some money from Dick, I paid the fine but told no one! What a start to college.

Our hearts have much to share so enjoy those memories. Others will laugh and so will you.

Heavy Grief........

On May 6, 2020, at 10:30 p.m. I held my husband's face in my hands for the last time. After 61 years of precious marriage, he died at one moment and drew his last breath.  It is a shocking moment when death enters the life of your loved one, especially when it's totally unexpected.  You hear the sounds of raspy breathing and you wonder,  "Is this it? Is this the end of a life I've come to know and love with acceptance?"  And then the breathing suddenly stops....no more gasps, no more intakes, just finality of silence.  You desperately place your hand on his mouth and wait for intakes........but there is nothing......just finality of silence.  I hesitated to call the professional staff, instead to choose these sweet moments of silence of remembering how we lived our lives with such gratitude and intimacy.  How he would purse his lips and blow me a kiss, always reminding me of how much he loved me as we sat there in our black leather lounge chairs, glancing over at each other never forgetting the importance of a meaningful blown kiss.  And now silence, as I ran my hand over his cheek and gently repeated "I love you, Dick......always and forever, I love you."  The cheek remained warm to my touch as his body circulation still took a long time to shut down.  That gave me joy as I knew his physical body ever slowly ceased to pulsate.  He was still with me, physically, reminding me of our life together.  Spiritually, his soul entered a new phase of life as he found himself wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  We had frequently talked about this and with absolute certainty, Dick knew where he was going...into the secure arms of His Saviour.

And now, as I continued to gently smooth his face with my hand, I knew I was gently and lovingly saying "Goodbye".  Dick was older than I when we married, I was 22 years and he was 29 years.  So, I sort of knew, over the years, I would probably outlive him.  But all those years as we loved each other and held on to each other, I never seriously thought about outliving him.  The moment had now come.  I would now outlive him.....for how many years?

With the horrendous outcome of corona virus, I am not even allowed to visit with my family during the days of grief and 'isolation' because I, for one, have been diagnosed with this newly diagnosed virus.  I have been talking on the phone daily but it's not the same as hugs and teary responses.  Unfortunately, the corona virus made me terribly ill myself with daily temperature  elevations and the critical phase of total physical sickly manifestations.  Here I was in deep grief with losing my husband at the same time as managing overwhelming corona virus sickness .  Days went by as I suffered emotionally and physically.  I even wondered  if I would survive.  But God has a plan and I have known how real and vital His plan is.  Just 10 years ago I suffered from inoperable brain cancer and now I survived another all encompassing serious physical ailment.  Days were confusing, time lapses unexplainable as the temperature variations continued.  Ten years ago medical professionals told me I had 7 weeks to live.  And then, miracles of miracles, Jesus appeared to me and said "You will be healed" and here I am......another act of God's amazing providence.  True, I was left with right-sided weakness but alive and able to live out God's purpose for my life!

It's been over a week now since I said "Goodbye" to Dick.  His body has been cremated. within 4 days of death, which is a decision we made 20 years ago.  Having made the decision to dwell in our lakeside home in Elgin, ONT upon retirement, we knew it would facilitate death matters when crossing international lines.  So now his ashes sit in an urn where they will ultimately be placed in the Wyckoff Reformed Church, NJ cemetery in the Weisiger family plot, along side my ashes.

Now my grief is settling down, never over, but now a quiet grief that will live in my heart forever, as my one true love dwells in Heaven awaiting my arrival.   "I love you, Dick.....always and forever, I love you."

Needs or Wants?

This corona virus has presented a unique, horrible time in our lives.  As a mid-eighty year old I can honestly say, without hesitation, this health situation is the most devastating in a lifetime.  All ages are fearful. All ages are in confusion as our lives have been put on halt. Schedules obliterated, relationships technical rather than personal, too much time on our hands, and a feeling of helplessness overwhelms us. Senior citizens are in a risky position as many of us have underlying negative health issues. When we hear the death rate of those affected in nursing homes, it is scary.

Dick and I live in a senior facility for Assisted Living and Memory Care.  We realize we are more prone to corona virus.  However, we are blessed. No resident here has shown any symptoms. No resident is held in virus quarantine. No employee has become infected. The management of this facility has put in place numerous preventive measures. No visitors allowed. Employees have their temperature taken upon entering and leaving. Packages are delivered at the door, sprayed and sometimes put on hold for 24 hours. Mail and newspapers are put on hold for 24 hours. Staff wear masks (often hand-made from scraps of story telling material), gloves and disposable hygienic boots.  Housekeeping wipes down doorhandles, tables and commonly used surfaces with sanitized wipes. We have eliminated group gatherings. We stay 6 feet apart when eating and walking. So far, we are corona virus free.

One interesting decision that involved me I found humbling and somewhat humorous. Part of our regular programming involved Friday morning half hour Bible studies and Sunday afternoon worship services,  With the elimination of group gatherings and any visitors, we could not meet for Bible study or have various pastors come on Sundays to lead worship.  Management then made the decision to appoint me as Bible study leader and Sunday worship leader but accomplish everything on in-house TV.  So, much to my surprise, I am now on TV twice a week!

When you go through a situation like this with lock-downs, no visitors (not even family members) one naturally does some serious thinking. One important mind set is that our lives suddenly have become 'simple'.  We are alone. Here in this facility we don't have to worry about food, protection, heating, air conditioning, water, living assistance, etc. We are cared for and we are fed. So why do we complain? Because many times we are self-centered and don't appreciate what people do for us.

Another important thought. Am I concerned about 'needs' or 'wants'? Just a few weeks ago I had lots of things I thought I wanted running around my brain. For example, wouldn't it be nice to have fresh flowers in my room every week? Or, maybe a jar of special homemade chocolate sauce? Or, how about a new spring outfit? Yet, now, in the midst of a raging health problem bringing death to millions across the world, I ask myself, what is important? Wants or needs.  Needs are the elements for survival and fortunately we as senior citizens are blessed to have those needs met.  Sure, we think we need something, but when it comes down to it....we realize those are just 'wants' rather than 'needs'.

This corona virus is definitely making a mark on our lives.  When we think of the incredible wealth and prosperity we were living under just three or four months ago, we are shocked at where we find ourselves today. And we worry about tomorrow.  In response to all these shocks and changes, I am again reminded.  God is in control!  Is God giving us a wake-up call to return to Him in all honesty, respect, humility, praise and worship?  Have we ignored God?  Have we set Him aside and replaced Him with our selfish 'wants'?  Have we forgotten that He created us out of love?  Have we forgotten that God gave us His Son, Jesus, to die a hideous death on the cross to save us from our sinful natures?  Have we forgotten God loves each of us so much that He wants all of us to dwell in Heaven with Him?  Have we forgotten that God wants us to surrender our hearts to Jesus, and to believe in Him as our Redeemer?

Let us think about these spiritual questions and respond to our Triune God in the affirmative.  Let us make that 'need' for a Savior be a heart wrenching 'want'.  Amen.

My 84th Birthday

Amazing what love can do!

In Webster's dictionary, the noun 'love' means strong/warm attachment. When used as a verb, 'love' means to value highly/cherish.  In our culture we use the word 'love' almost casually, but we should remember its powerful meaning.  What would we be without love?  What would we do without love? When we truly think about love and its power, it's amazing what love can do!

As most of you know, my husband suffers from mild dementia/Alzheimer's late onset.  We live together in a Memory Care Facility.  I made that decision because I love him dearly and never wanted him to feel alone. As many know, Alzheimer's is a growing tragedy in our culture hitting numerous individuals especially in our senior years.  I also firmly believed that while showing my husband constant love, acceptance and encouragement he might not progress rapidly into severe confusion and mental deterioration.  I realize there is much we do not know about Alzheimer's and each individual displays a different journey.  I put my faith in love.  So far, his progression has been slow and I can still enjoy living with a husband who knows me, tells me he loves me and can perform simple tasks.

But love takes energy and determination. In my situation, there are times that I get very frustrated, especially when I'm tired.  When you've lived with a man for 61 years you know a lot about him and recognize his abilities.  When the tragedy of dementia takes over, there are times I feel like I'm living with a 90 year old child.  Here I am living in this locked down facility with little companionship because the other dementia victims are severely affected or in dire straits.  I made this rare decision because my love for him supercedes my personal, self-centered desires.

Anyone going through the role of caregiver to a dementia victim knows there is little companionship, little conversation, little joy.  So why do we sacrifice our independence and our lifestyle?  Because we love them.  When we think about it, what would we want if our roles were reversed?  Dementia victims lead totally different lives depending on the severity and the progress of the disease.  Now having lived with a dementia victim for at least 6 years, I have observed certain shared behaviors.  Initially, the victims realize something is deteriorating with their brain, but they don't know what or how to fix it.  The more they are criticized, or laughed at, the more they regress into their own troubled mind set.  From the beginning I kept respecting Dick, reminding him of the incredibly productive professional life he led as a teacher and elementary school principal.  He would not say much in response but I saw him brighten.  We would also look at old photos and albums recording our busy lives as parents and the adventures we lived.  Dick was an incredible athlete, white water rafting, literally teaching thousands to swim, playing hockey with his buddies in Canada, and maintaining rigorous daily exercises.  That's probably why he is in such good physical shape not using a cane or walker.  Unfortunately, he does not exercise now, or avidly watch sports like he used to.  He spends most of his day napping, has little appetite, does not converse with people, and sometimes forgets about me.  I have to be his counselor- reminding him to wash his hands, choosing his clothes, helping him eat (he frequently states, "I'm full"), reminding him where, when and what we are doing, picking up what he's dropped and forgotten, buttoning his shirt, and helping him dress.  Every day and night we repeat the words "I love you".  I thank him for loving me and he reminds me that he will never stop loving me.  His words of passion bring joy to my heart and I believe do the same for him.

All caregivers know what I'm talking about.  We maintain smiles to the world, stating every day, "I'm feeling fine, thank you."  As for me, I totally depend on the Lord.  As I struggle along walking with a cane and hoping I don't fall, I whisper Jesus' name because He is the one who loves me without reservation and He is the One who sustains me.

Love is not a simple entity.  We read in 1 John 4:16, "God is love".  That explains the power of love.  Our magnificent Holy Creator is filled with love and imparts His love to us.

A Valentine Love Letter

To my loving husband,

"How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways."  Remember those words from Elizabeth Barrett Browning?  The poem starts "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the words of being and ideal grace.  I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.  I love thee freely, as men strive for right.  I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.  I love thee with the passion put to use in my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints.  I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life; and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death."  Those beautiful words written back in the 1800s I choose to use today.

Yes, I do love you, even after decades of marriage.  When I think about the divorce rate today I am amazed we are still together in our 'old age'.  The lives we led, the crazy busyness we experienced, the children we raised, the family vacation trips we took, the financial burdens we experienced, and the 'discussions' (not arguments) we endured, prove that marriage is 'work'.  But how wonderful that in our senior years now we still crave to be with each other, we still find intimacy holding hands or snuggling in our queen size bed at night.  And how I thrill to your tender kisses and soft words, "I love you", that I experience countless times during the day and night.  You have been my protector, my lover, my companion, my counselor, my financial wizard and my best friend.

Remember how we met? In 1953 at that Christmas Hope College party in Queens, New York. You had just returned to the US after serving two years in the Army in Germany during the Korean War.  I was a senior in high school having made the decision to attend Hope and you were returning to Hope to complete your education.  And then the summers at Spring Lake in Wyckoff, NJ where you were head lifeguard (no drownings) and I liked to swim.  First date was pizza in Suffern, NY.  You taught 5th and 6th grade in Holland, MI and I transferred to Columbia University to complete my nursing education. We wrote letters every day, giving details of our lives and always expressing our love.  December 27, 1958 was a beautiful wedding day, sunny and warm.  We wanted a family, no doubt about that.  And we suffered intense grief as our first pregnancy was a miscarriage and our second was a stillborn girl.  During my deep grief and tears, you encouraged me, and supported me with tender devotion.  The birth of a son and three daughters was met with jubilation and celebration.  Our lives were now full.  All during my singing career you performed your role of Daddy while I traveled on weekends singing concerts and you were principal of Sicomac Elementary School in Wyckoff.

And here we are, six decades later, suffering from various maladies but still loving each other dearly.  You, with your progressive dementia and Alzheimer's, now living in a memory care unit, and me, with my weak, handicapped body as a result of brain cancer choosing to live with you under locked, rigid rules so you will never be alone.  While I suffered with brain cancer you were at the hospital every day greeting me with your infectious smile.  And now, I lovingly care for you, to the best of my ability.

How did we do it?  We always talked, never went to sleep until we ironed out our differences and most important forgave each other for hurts, misunderstandings, and stupid self-centered things we did.  Here we are. Two independent, strong willed people and yet we endured.  We now realize no marriage is perfect but God had a reason for bringing one man and one woman together in a loving, passionate, long lasting marriage.  To teach us to lose our self-control, me-first attitude and become more giving.  And now in our senior years of 90 and 84, we find our relationship more tender and endearing than ever before.  We've made it!  We are still together and not suffering in loneliness or grief.  God has truly blessed us!  Thank you, my faithful, true, abiding husband for our wonderful marriage.  You are my 'Valentine'!

Why are so many seniors suffering?

We all know friends and family who have suffered from cancer. In fact, It seems as if every family has a victim of cancer.  Is cancer something that has just appeared in the last 50 or so years or was it always there and not identified.  But we are all experiencing the physical pain, the emotional upheaval of the effects of a cancer diagnosis.

I have a friend who has struggled through four different cancer diagnosis: colon, skin, breast and lymph node and miraculously survived.  Her testimony is impressive.  "I think of my miracles as  blessings. God still has a plan for me. I do small things like hang out my seed bell for His sparrows, or greet someone in the hall with a smile, or maybe just a short conversation in the grocery aisle with someone who is lonely. Who knows where we can a blessing? I'm too old for big things but I do so enjoy the small things life has to offer."

We hear of many miraculous healings from cancer but also many tragic deaths.  Fortunately, there have been great strides made in cancer research.  As we all just read in the news recently "researches reported the largest one-year decline in the US cancer death rate. a drop they credited to advance in lung-tumor treatments." We rejoice at that news.  But we find ourselves still asking the question, "Why, Lord, must we suffer so?"

Medical advances have presented many amazing solutions to old age problems including joint replacements, medications and elective surgeries.  Does it help?  In some cases, yes. But in many cases senior citizens have more pain and more discomfort. And we wonder.  Why, in our advancing age are we facing so many physical and mental challenges?  Well, that's part of aging. Our bodies are deteriorating.

But there's another factor that adds to the problem.  There is an enemy that exists in our world and he is after every human creature.  His name, of course, is Satan, Lucifer, devil. He is the fallen angel that wanted to be greater than God Almighty.  We can read about him in Genesis (as the serpent), Job (1:6-12), Isaiah (especially 14:12-15) and throughout the New Testament.  Satan still exists today in all his malevolent spiritual power. As we are warned in 1 Peter 5:8-9, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  Yes, we are in a spiritual battle and the Lord is more powerful than the devil. As we age and become physically weaker, we are prone to this 'roaring lion' who prowls around us and probably laughs with glee as he sees before him a weak, defenseless, hurting elderly person.

Let me give you a personal example.  As many of you know, I was suddenly stricken in July, 2010 at age 74, with CNS lymphoma, a rare, aggressive, lethal cancer of the brain.  The oncologist told me on July 6, 2010, I had only seven weeks to live. I was not in pain, but I was confused, depressed and worried.  Healthy Janet?  How could this happen to me?  And then I remembered that on May 26, in the middle of the night, I had a vision of Jesus telling me I "would be healed".  I wasn't even sick then!  As I staggered around trying to alleviate my stress, I constantly experienced a dark cloud approaching me with tentacles trying to grab me.  Finally, one night I began to realize this must be Satan trying to attack me.  I said, "Satan, why are you trying to get me? I'm just an old woman. I'm not a famous evangelist. Why do you want me?"  Then the light dawned on me.  Satan wants everyone.  When we are physically weak it's hard to fight and Satan knows that.  I was blessed because as I felt Satan's claws, I felt the loving arms of Jesus surrounding me, holding me, protecting me and I knew I was safe, and most important, I was healed.

Now as I think about growing older, weaker, disintegrating, finally turning to dust and death, I am assured that my faith in Jesus my Lord will give me sustenance, reassurance and resurrection so there is nothing to fear.