I am a mother of four children. Of course, at this stage of my life, our children are all in their fifties and dealing with the rapid maturity of their own children. But, I remember so well how, as their mother, I was constantly attentive to the 'what ifs' in their lives. As they were toddlers, I remember literally counting the four of them when Dick drove the car out of the garage, carefully making sure they were not in the driveway. Yes, we mothers were always conscious of all the possibly dangerous times of 'what ifs'. Women have been given an innate sense of looking after others. And that is what makes us natural care-givers.
Now in our eighties, many women are care-givers for their spouse who needs health care assistance. Then, as their spouse declines in health, women continue giving care until death do they part. They accept that role unconditionally. Women are not automatically registered nurses, but they lovingly care for their spouse to the best of their ability. Just as women cared for their children, they now care for adult loved ones. Sometimes it's just monitoring schedules, meds, appointments, or supporting, encouraging and protecting dementia victims. The care can become more challenging with needs regarding physical conditions including helping them bathe, feeding them, even giving bedside nursing care. Women feel driven to continue care as long as they are able. Men seem to have more difficulty dealing with caring for a spouse with physical or mental challenges, which is understandable since it is innate in women to be care-givers.
When we talk about the 'what ifs', we, in our eighties, should be mindful of our own end-of-life situations. This is when you hear seniors frequently stating, "I don't want to talk about that...now". Why not now? Why are we so negative about being prepared and planning ahead? Just like we were concerned about safety hazards when our families were young and we did everything we could to avoid accidents, why don't we want to prepare for our last days on earth? For example......what if I drop dead in Meijers (or the local super market)? Have I made decisions about 'Do Not Resuscitate'? Because if I haven't signed legal forms and carry copies of that legal form with me, emergency personnel have no idea that I wish 'Do Not Resuscitate'. If I am not wearing a 'Do Not Resuscitate' bracelet, do not have 'DNR' tattooed on my chest and do not carry those legal forms with me, emergency personnel are required to pound on my chest for hours in hopes my heart starts beating again. Then I could end up in a vegetative state in a skilled nursing home at $12,000 (minimum) a month! Do I want to burden my family with that? Do I want my family to have to make the decision to pull the plug and terminate life giving support? Why not be prepared for the 'what ifs' in our senior days?
How can I be prepared? First of all, if you live in an independent retirement facility, speak to the personnel at your front desk about legal forms to ensure 'Do Not Resuscitate' or talk to your primary care physician. Then fill out those forms immediately because you will need physician signature and witnesses. Many seniors respond by saying, "Oh yes, I have those legal forms in my safe." Unfortunately, no one is going to dig those papers out of your safe if you have dropped on the floor of your local church while everyone is singing the closing hymn.
Talk to your families. Be specific. Talk about planning your funeral and, most important, pre-pay. That way, your family does not have the financial burden. Funerals now can cost over $12,000 for regular casket, viewing, etc. and over $4,000 for cremation. Even printing the obituary can be expensive. Be sure all details are taken care of and paid for now. Think about your families. Our children dearly love us. But imagine how they would feel if we suddenly died and none of these decisions have been made. Our children have their own families. They have their own financial burdens. Why do we want to place more financial stress on them?
In a way, we actually need legal permission to die. How ridiculous! Years ago people just died, but today we need legal papers to tell the world "Let me die". Take care of the 'what ifs' now, so your entrance into Heaven leaves no burdens behind.
