Dementia. Our culture denies dementia. Not surprising because dementia is frightening. It is emotionally painful as you see your loved one slide away. But the shocking reality is "every 65 seconds someone new is diagnosed with Alzheimer's". And Alzheimer's is just one manifestation of dementia. How did all this happen? Right now there is no cure and no scientific explanation why it hits some and not others.
I am not an expert on dementia. I am just an ordinary person who lives first hand with a loved one who is a victim of 'mild dementia'. And my, what a challenging 24/7 existence that is. There is another factor that intensifies the discomfort. We are senior citizens. In this stage of our lives we are not employed, not sought after for community roles, not active parents. So, indeed, what clout do we have? Does the culture really understand? Or does our culture just pass us by with thoughts of....."He's out to lunch!"......or "She's crazy!"
What is the reaction of the world around us? Dementia causes friends to run away and families to over react with placement in facilities. In contrast, a cancer diagnosis causes friends and families to gather round with meals, loving words, hugs, even walking the dog and cutting the lawn. But dementia? Denial, walking away, better things to do.......
Then the caregiver takes the entire burden on herself .......articulating the correct word when he speaks in confusion.......reminding him gently what day it is.....where he is......what the plan is for the day.......patiently smiling as he endlessly repeats the same personal stories......enduring the loss of social interaction.....telling him again and again how much she loves him........reminding him how proud she is of him......looking at old photos together of when he was honored in his professional career.......reminding him of simple tasks he was currently engaged in but lost focus.......never criticizing him when he loses common sense. And all the while the caregiver is in deep emotional pain. Where is the wonderful, strong, independent, highly recognized, athletic, attentive parent, financial wizard, talented, faithful man she married?
God gave her this man as her husband 60 years ago. He has loved her, cherished her, protected her, provided for her, laughed with her, cried with her, debated with her and rejoiced with her. And now, even though some family and friends look away, she will stand by him "til death do us part".
Oh, may our culture seek to understand and support all our friends and families burdened with dementia knowing that dementia could even hit home.
Janet, most "normal" people have a fear of dementia due to lack of understanding and a fear of developing it themselves. There are special people and organizations who offer respite for caregivers. I hope that you are able to access such a service for your own time of rest. By accepting the commitment to stand by Dick is a reflection of vows made to each other 60 years ago. It seems that when things get tough in todays marriage or common law union many couples split with one partner leaving with the comment, "I didn't sign up for this". No one signs up for the terrible events some couples face but working through the disaster, with God's help and strength, will bring the unity God designed into His plan for marriage.
ReplyDeleteMay God our Father continue to strength and bless you and Dick as you continue your life walk together.
love & prayers, Bob & Chris P
May God continue to give you and Dick increasing love and care. May He surround you both with those who love you and care about you.
ReplyDeleteDear Janet,
ReplyDeleteI am not surprised that your husband was struck by this problem, for I have seen in many people that I love in the same situation and I simply took care of them and saw them as friends, like all members of a family. I know that even if we do not understand why you are going through problems that most of us are reaching as we reach their age, one thing I know and you know: God never abandons us, He always was and always will be faithful, He is the his refuge and his strength, He is a Helper present in anguish, afflictions and pain, He will never let her go through anything beyond you can bear. We know that life here is temporary and not many have what God gave you : a loving husband , affectionate, great companion, friend, Christian, humble, holy, among other innumerable adjectives.
The Lord is right by your side. Doug and I love you and when you want to write us we will visit you if you feel comfortable.
God bless you, and give you strength and faith to go a few miles further. With love, Celita Louback Welsch